Tuesday, July 26, 2011

**Never Forget**

There's always hope for a better tomorrow.

Unlike that misguided attempt at charity that we all remember from earlier in the month, this is TRUE ALTRUISM and if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye then you might just be a heartless monster. Every now and then, or almost every day really, we need some small measure of kindness to help restore our faith in humanity. Hopefully this video helps you with this for at least a moment or two.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Beware the Chupacabra!

What's more frightening: the legends of a mysterious, goat-mutilating creature roaming parts of Southern Texas and Mexico, or the reality of a 13-year-old boy with access to a lethal firearm readily available?

You decide. But if the artful rendering of this notorious beast is any indicator of how vicious and dexterous it might be, I'm going with the 13-year-old with the rifle.

That's right son, you show that sickly coyote who's boss. Incidentally the Chupacabra has its own theme song that might be even more terrifying than the creature itself:

Of course there's also been sightings of other unexplained entities in nearby Alabama:

Which brings us to the moral of today's story: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE SOUTH. If you want Waffle House that badly there's one in Middletown, Delaware, a good 50 miles north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

**Mindless Memes**

Wikipedia defines a meme as "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture." Kind of like the meme of altruism. Oh wait, scratch that...helping other people--not just for shameless-self promotion, but for the sake of actually doing good, would never catch on, although it does make for a particularly poignant commercial if you're a multi-billion dollar insurance company:

But I'm talking about things that are really important, and that spread through the cultural landscape like wildfire. Y'know, like planking: lying face-down, motionless and completely oblivious to your surroundings. Yet how is that any different from what you do everyday as a citizen in this post-modern world? Where is the novelty in that, let alone the creativity? How many rhetorical questions can I ask in a single paragraph?

In all seriousness though, this is one of the most mindless fads to sweep the internet in ages. It hasn't been funny since Tom Greene did it in the mid-90s and it is so vastly unoriginal and uninspiring that even the morons who popularized it are moving on to bigger and better things...like owling. Thanks, Hilary Duff--you're totally socially relevant again (and your husband looks thrilled)! Pure genius.

Just imagine if you were an advanced form of extraterrestrial life, here to observe mankind before deciding wether or not to establish contact with our species. As soon as you saw a trend of people trying to outdo one another by perching themselves on ledges in an increasingly precarious manner, you would pack it up and take the next hyperspeed shuttle back to your home planet, without thinking twice. The real scary thing is that we are now encouraged by the internet to replicate the same action that everyone else is doing, no matter how inane or non-clever that action may be, just so that we can get in on a fad. What we're actually doing is promoting an environment which squashes innovation and promotes blind, mind-numbing repetition. Pavlov has just rung your bell.

Personally, I'd like to advocate throning. That's the new fad where you just sit in a chair of your choosing and look all regal--like a king. There's not much to it, but that's the whole point. Just because it's easy doesn't meant that you can't perfect it, as this awesome gentleman plainly demonstrates. And guess what, if you happen to perish while attempting these lemming-like stunts of stupidity, you are doing humanity a tremendous favor. At least natural selection has found one small way to infiltrate modern society in an earnest attempt to improve the gene pool. And speaking of pools, make sure to check out another internet sensation making the rounds: Leisure Diving. At least this one is actually cool to look at, and probably increases the risk of catastrophic injury. G'day mate.

Friday, July 15, 2011

**Daily Dose of Douche: Flaming Edition**

Here's the entirely misleading and wholeheartedly erroneous statement that this flaming baggadouche said:

And THIS is how he decided to 'apologize' for it after he was called the FUCK out by MediaMatters:

And don't even think for a second that this was by accident. Faux News has pulled the exact same misinformational maneuver in the past:

I try not to get at all political on this blog as I find both sides to be players in a pathetic sideshow purposefully construed to distract, divide and prevent us from coagulating into a singular, critical mass...But this is NUTS. First off, 16 friends that died that day? Eat a bag of dicks. I am calling total bullshit on that because y'know who worked at the World Trade Center? Jews. Lots of Jews. You know what Jews don't do (aside from getting tattoos and riding motorcycles)? WATCH FOX NEWS...which means they would never befriend a hack
such as yourself to begin with. Furthermore, if you did in fact have dear friends die on that day, shouldn't that be as good a reason as any to not forget the tragic events that happened on September 11th, 2001, and the disturbing events that led up to it? Which is exactly what you did, just 72 hours ago, on national television for all to see. But now you choose to turn the story around to blame the 'petty' factcheckers with their factual facts and all? Guess what's not petty, being a journalist and reporting truthful information in a straightforward manner. That's the very nature of your job and if you can't handle it without cowering and whining like a bratty schoolchild, than perhaps you should consider another line of work more suited to your skill set...like fluffing. Remember the name: Eric Bolling, because no matter how unimaginably irrelevant he really is in this world, he is a 10 pounds of flaming douche in a 9 pound bag. If you wanna spread around mistruths that's your business, just don't do it under the guise of 'journalism.' Shame on you, sir. And your entire organization, for that matter...as more and more comes to light about News. Corps' wholly unethical tactics.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

**Early Adopters**

Quick. Read this article. You could be the first among your group of friends to realize how big of a schmuck you are. Well, not YOU personally...but all those other poor souls waiting on line to be the first to get their hands on something brand new! You're just here to mock the rest of them, aren't you?

Early Adopters, as they're commonly known, are the scourge of society. Not to say that they're horrible people, I'm sure most of them mean little harm. It's just that they should be neutered...immediately. They represent Conspicuous Consumption in all it's depraved glory, epitomizing the phenomenon wherein style beats the ever-living shit out of substance. Because for most of them, the actual technology they're getting their hands on comes in distant second to the primal, smug satisfaction of knowing that they got their greasy paws on it before anyone else. And how wonderful that is for all of them. Unfortunately, though, most new tech toys come fully-equipped with shitloads of flaws and limitations which aren't smoothed out until subsequent models are released (well, not always). Early Adopters are essentially volunteering themselves to be technocratic guinea pigs in exchange for showing the rest of the world how truly hip they are. Very hip.

Psychologically speaking, being among the first to adopt something new gives us a false sense of innovation, it's as if we were the ones partially responsible for creating the groundbreaking gadget at hand. We can all feel like mini-Steve Jobs'. But guess what: Steve Jobs is not an Early Adopter, he's an Early Developer...and that's infinitely more badass (and lucrative). It also allows far less time and energy to be spent on wardrobe preferences than most hipsters would be willing to abide.

But beyond just the latest technological craze, the 'I Wanna Be First' mentality manifests itself in many walks of life, notably music (you guys download the new Bon Iver album yet? Oh, I've had the pre-release for weeks, so it's kinda played out now), and of course celebrity death posts (Did you get to update your FB status to 'RIP MJ' before any of your friends did?).

It's interesting that the moment the masses climb on board with a new fad is precisely when most of the early-adopting hipsters want out, dismissing what they once enjoyed as now being hopelessly mainstream...Even though nothing substantiative nor meaningful has changed about what they were once so into, it's simply a matter of wanting to be ahead of the curve in discovering the next big thing. I suppose the thinking is: you can be the very essence of 'cool' if you are part and parcel to establishing things as 'cool.' Yet once they become 'cool' to everyone else, they're no longer 'cool' for the people that are actually 'cool.'

Make no mistake about it, this type of behavior is an impediment to interpersonal communication. I remember trying to share a Youtube video with a friend--apparently many months after it had gone viral--and rather than precipitating mutual enjoyment, it merely provoked elitist ambivalence: 'Meh, you're just seeing this now, dude?' It's the WHAT, not the WHEN that should really matter, no? What's this guy, an Indian? Thinks he's got it going bossanova.

We're all guilty of it at one point or another--I know I've been blogging about it since way before blogging even got all played out. But we could at least become more consciously aware of the phenomenon when it compels us to race out and by the hippest new toy. Do we really even want that new toy to begin with? And imagine if there were similar societal
compulsions to be the first in your social network to donate blood or to participate in radical new charities. Can't it be a badge of honor for people to wait in impossibly long lines to do good for others, instead of to just lap up the annual incarnation of Apple's incrementally-stunted superfluousness?

It's clearly a lot easier to be the first to consume than the first to produce, so I won't be holding my breath. In the meantime, I'll just let the Early Adopters weed out all of the completely useless fads so that I have something worthwhile to enjoy when I'm riding around on my Segway listening to my Mini-disc player.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Jadakiss and Tell

I recently had the opportunity to spend time with hip-hop impresario, Jadakiss. It was a time that I'll never forget. Pure class and positive energy. He was modeling shirts for a fashion line produced by one of my dearest friends. I don't often think about clothes...but when I do I prefer it to be SirReal Fashion...Via Art and Style. That's what I really dig about this company: they create
high-quality, wearable art for people that don't want to be dominated by fashion and that don't want to spend $100 on a T-shirt. I've seen their threads in stores everywhere from NYC to SF. It's really refreshing to witness the realization of a good friend's entrepreneurial vision, which is the reason why I'm posting this today: it's never too late to follow your own vision and do your own thing. It's all just a matter of having enough determination and motivation. Take this blog, for example. They said it could never be done, but with a little stick-to-itiveness I'm now averaging no less than 10 hits a day! Suck on that HuffPo and TMZ!!!

You too can be a part of the SirReal movement: check 'em out on Facebook and Twitter.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Twice a year the east-west orientation of New York City streets creates a stunning astronomical display known as Manhattanhenge, when the setting sun dips down into the Hudson river in perfect alignment with Manhattan's grid system. It usually happens once near the beginning of May and again in the middle of July. Tonight, July 12th, 2011 at around 8:20PM, New Yorker's will get to enjoy the serene majesty of this biannual event--a proud moment wherein the Center of the Universe stops to appreciate the Center of the Solar System.

This year's Manhattanhenge should prove to be particularly spectacular, as the Sun's 11 year Solar Cycle is now officially waxing after more than a decade of being on the wane. Solar activity--sunspots, flares, magnetism and irradiance--varies sharply within these periods and in between the years of 2006 and 2008 there was a near-total absence of sunspots which actually led to a temporary stabilization in the alarming trend of global warming. But before climate change debunkers (known colloquially as 'Rednecks') even had a chance to say 'hoax,' scientists recently began to observe a dramatic increase in solar activity as evidenced by this insane coronal mass ejection, witnessed on June 7th, 2011:

Aside from producing eye-candy to people on massive amounts of LSD, increased solar activity can actually produce a more vibrant sunset. There are negative side effects, however: as our reinvigorated celestial center awakens from its short-lived slumber, more electromagnetic radiation will begin spewing our way, possibly leading to power outages, satellite interruption and sharp temperature increases across the globe. Hell, you might not even be able to Tweet--which is profoundly paradoxical because if an event's not Twitter-trending, how will you have proof that it's actually happening? Even Fox News--a bastion for those who so bravely refuse to believe in the 'myth' of science--is worried, pointing out that a major solar storm in 1859 caused telegraph lines to short out, even spontaneously bursting into flames in certain instances. Imagine the havoc that could be wreaked in the age of the internet?

Because scientists know relatively little about the Sun's atmosphere, the best we can do now is speculate. As for tonight, though, we spectate--pausing in reverence to an unfettered view of the majestic orange orb of plasma that makes all planetary life possible...and which could end it all in an instant. Might I suggest an appropriate soundtrack? Enjoy!

Monday, July 11, 2011

When Stupidity Masquerades as Dignity

Let me first state that Derek Jeter is clearly one of the best baseball players of this--or any--generation. His understated class, commitment to the game and countless achievements provide inspiration way beyond the baseball diamond. Congratulations to him for his monumental accomplishment of 3,000+ major league hits. In more than 120 years of the national pasttime, only 27 others have reached this historic plateau.

This guy, on the other hand, is a fucking moron. In case you missed it, Christian Lopez was the lucky fan who retrieved Jeter's 3000th hit, emerging triumphantly from the vicious scrum that ensued after the Yankee Captain magically blasted his milestone shot into the left-field bleachers. The sports gods were generous enough to bestow upon him a gift from the heavens, valued at around a quarter of a million dollars. And what did the 'classy' 23 year old Lopez do? He returned that gift to it's sender, electing to GIVE the historic ball back to Jeter, looking a gifthorse square in the mouth and spitting in fate's face. Don't get me wrong--I respect the idea inspiring Lopez's action, that his heart was in the right place...actually, scratch that, I don't. And here's why he's an unfathomable idiot:

1.) There was nothing dignified about what he did. Jeter, who earns more than 20 million dollars a year to play a kid's game, could have easily purchased that ball back at fair market value, using change from under his couch cushion. The ball rightfully belonged to Lopez after he retrieved it, so it's not like he was returning stolen merchandise. He was making a charitable donation...to a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE! That isn't charity at all, nor is it dignified, it is misguided stupidity. Dignity would have been donating that ball to any number of worthwhile charities, some perhaps located right in the very same South Bronx neighborhood which the Yankees call home, one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Western World. Just imagine the profound impact that a quarter of a million dollars could have had on the lives of some of the neglected and impoverished youth of this area, innocent children that fear for their lives on a daily basis. And Jeter would STILL ultimately retain possession of his historic keepsake. A win-win for everyone.

2.) I don't believe for a second that he did it out of pure selflessness. He knew that by giving the ball back he would be making headlines, milking the most out of his 15 minutes of fame, receiving a lifetime of free admittance to the Stadium and he probably thought he could at least become Facebook friends with Derek and Minka. I can't say I blame him for wanting to be friends with Minka, I wouldn't mind poking her either (on Facebook, you dirty bastard).

But here's the sad truth: the Yankees only wound up giving him tickets for the rest of the season--a COLOSSALLY and grotesquely cheap gesture, given the magnitude of Lopez's act. Nobody will remember his name after a few weeks given the insanely short-attention span of American society, and Derek and Minka similarly won't give a flying fuck about him after that time. In stark contrast to this young man's fanboy delusions, Jeter ain't gonna be calling him up to go out for cocktails, and by the looks of Lopez, they won't be running into each other at 24 Hour Fitness anytime soon, neither.

3.) He has mounds of student debt and works a low-wage job. Perhaps the adrenaline of the moment had gotten to him, preventing the recent college graduate from using reason and logic to dictate his actions, but private institutions of higher-learning are not cheap...and being a customer service rep for Verizon isn't exactly a cush job. Maybe it will be 20 years down the road when he's still paying off student loans, but I suspect it'll be even sooner--namely when the costly burdens of raising a family start piling up--that he starts feeling the sharp pangs of unimaginable remorse.

4.) Jay-Z agrees with me. Case closed.

Whatever you make of this dude's questionable decision--and I have well over 99 problems with it--one thing is absolutely for sure: Christian Lopez will come to regret his costly error more and more with each passing day of his life.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Do You Like Dags?

Oh, Dohggggggssss!

Well I love dogs, and you're pretty much a heartless bastard if you don't. Check out this old school clip of Conan from the early '90s. It features a young Louis CK and Robert Smigel in a sketch that helped to inspire the iconic Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

When you're done peeing yourself, you can gather your composure while enjoying these cute pictures of fine, furry friends....

Friday, July 8, 2011

**Daily Apocalypse Reminder**

Commentators chuckle as man falls to his death on national television:

In other uplifting news, a Colorado woman is in police custody after allegedly killing her cat to death with brown heroine until it died. Sound's like a party!

But at least things are looking up for the struggling Recording Industry, who just persuaded major internet service providers to ramp up efforts to punish the scourge of our earth: Illegal music downloaders.

Whoopeee! We're SAVED! That was close...Although there's always those pesky supernovae.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

**A Few of My Favorite Things, Pt. I**

I love Dieter, from Sprockets. He makes me happy as a little girl:

I also love Frank Zappa's lesser-known rock classic, 'It Just Might Be a One-Shot Deal.' Although the composition begins with Zappa's all-too-recognizable, and oft-reviled brand of esoteric quirkiness, it eventually arrives--midway thru--to one of the most beautiful pedal steel guitar solos of all time. [Fast forward to the 1:51 mark if you have no patience, nor common decency for that matter]

His music is the thematic equivalent of an obscure, insanely-longwinded Dennis Miller joke: many a cringe-worthy moment punctuated by incredibly rewarding payoffs. The solo featured above is one Mother of a zinger...

And who doesn't love laughter? I know I do, which is why when I was growing up in the 90s I would practically suffocate myself from laughing so hard at the antics of the Jerky Boys (Holy Fuck, I can't believe they actually still have their own website). Aside from directly, and inexplicably, inspiring the debut album of my generation's Greatest Rock Band, they also delivered sustained, sidesplitting hilarity in spades:

Wow, classic-SNL, Zappa and Jerky Boys. I simply remember these things, and I don't feel soooo bad....
Your setup has grown tiresome. Now's the time on Sprockets ven ve donce!!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

**Daily Bullshit Buzz**

Do you know this person? I don't. But I can totally tell that she's an evil, baby-killer. How? Well, she's got black eyes and a weird lizardy like tongue. How can she not be evil?! But here's an even more important question: Who gives a flying fuck? The answer, disturbingly, is A LOT of fucking people! What they fail to understand, though, is that their morbid fascination with this unfortunate situation says WAY more about themselves than it ever could about this possible baby-murderer over here.

For weeks, this trial has been dominating local news channels, 24 hour cable, and of course the internet--which should come as no surprise considering that the internet will do anything for ratings. But why do people watch and care so much about a situation that they know little about, and have no legitimate vested interest in?

I admit that I know extremely limited details about this case, but I can still gather--given some of the unmitigated vitriol spewing about since the not-guilty verdict was released--that most people are angry at the accused so that they can feel better about themselves. There was even palpable outrage from a "celebrity" who only became famous after her dad helped to acquit one of the most notorious double-murderers of our generation. Freud out on that one. Even more difficult to explain is the fact that this reality star has more than 8 million followers on Twitter. Not that everybody out there is a baby-murderer, or even has the potential to be one on their absolute worst day, but come on...look at how we spend our free-time nowadays: Tweeting, updating statuses, self-blogulation. Very few of us are evil, yet even fewer of us are actively participating in making the world a better place. So to compensate for that lack of genuine purpose, I suppose the easiest thing to do is to point fingers at people that are clearly the 'bad guys.' Sorry to break it to you, but we're all the bad guys.

So if you're so outraged at this whole Casey Anthony thing, of which you know few details about, and are affected none by, perhaps you should consider sublimating that anger into positive action. Do something worthwhile to make the world around you a better place: volunteer to protect abused children, or if that's too much commitment, merely write a get-well soon card to a hospitalized child. No helpful action--no matter how small or seemingly insignificant--could be as profoundly USELESS as directing hateful Tweets at a complete stranger. But hey, whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

Friday, July 1, 2011

**5 Most Outlandish Conspiracy Theories Ever**

I've heard some incredibly insane ideas during my short time on earth. So, upon the suggestion of @MHT--parttime scientist & alchemy enthusiast--I compiled a list of the most far-fetched beliefs that humans (or are they?) ever held. In the hopes of keeping myself off any undesirable lists, I must disclaim that I merely PRESENT these zany theories and don't necessarily espouse them personally (hear that, Lizard people?):

5.) Hollow Earth Theory:

Proponents of Hollow Earth believe that the interior of our planet consists either of partially, or wholly empty space. Now, in and of itself, this may not seem that zany--completely at odds with modern science, sure--but not completely outside the realm of sanity. It's when H.E. supporters disclose what they believe to be dwelling in all that empty space that things begin to get a little brown-acidy. Namely: subterranean civilizations of ancient aliens.

4.) Nazi Aliens:

So apparently the Nazis were working with aliens during WWII to develop futuristic machinery that would have annihilated the Allied Forces, reigning Fascism around the globe. And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling Randy Quaid.

Evidently though, the Nazis lost on purpose so that they could infiltrate NASA, the CIA and the NSA in the decades following Hitler's glorious removal from this planet. Here's an interesting (phenomenally boring) clip of some sort of bearded expert rambling about something for about 10 minutes. I don't know what he's talking about, I stopped paying attention 30 seconds in. But if 10 minutes of listening to this dude speak isn't enough, fear not: this is apparently only part 2 of 8. Also: lebotomize yourself.

3.) Stephen King Murdered John Lennon:

I can't even begin to try and explain this convoluted lunacy. So I'll just let the man that proposed it do the explaining:

Oh wait, that was just him getting literally laughed out of a public forum. So let me just briefly say that this dude, who I've had the misfortune of directly encountering, believes that the CIA and President Reagan used mind control to steer the actions of Stephen King (yes, that Stephen King) so that he would assassinate Lennon and in return be rewarded with one of the most lucrative writing careers in history. Insanity? Sure. But I've always hated the work of Stephen King, along with 33 other people on Facebook, apparently.

2.) Planet X:

An ancient planet within our very own Solar System, named Nibiru, is destined to intersect Earth's orbit by December 21st, 2012. Why haven't we seen it yet? That would be far too logical of a question to introduce now, after we've come so far. But here's some undeniable proof in the form of a shoddily-produced Youtube video:

1.) Reptilian Race Rules the Planet:

Popularized by fringe author David Icke, the Reptilian Theory suggests that a group of shapeshifting, reptoid aliens are running the course of human civilization, having long ago infiltrated the highest levels of government, media and business. For evidence of this, supporters point to an expanding collection of recorded images depicting strange pupil distortions from the eyes of televised personalities. This is incontrovertible proof because--as we all well know--everything on television is real...plus several sites on the internet confirm this--another infallible reference source (according to the internet). What their agenda consists of is anybody's guess, but let's just hope that they're here to serve man.

There's plenty of things that can neither be fully explained nor understood by conventional science, so I'm all about people throwing crazy shit out there in the hopes of clarifying the puzzling nature of existence. But the unfortunate aspect of all these fringe ideas is that they wind up marginalizing the more easily-substantiated conspiracy theories, placing every unconventional belief under the collective, all-encompassing umbrella of 'kookery.' We can never really prove the nature of this universe, so even if we might view some strange ideas with tremendous skepticism, you just never know...Except for Stephen King murdering John Lennon--that's some absolute bullshit. Hopefully the truth is out there, but you probably won't ever be allowed to see it.