Thursday, March 24, 2011


Today I am going to talk to you about a small, little social phenomenon that you might not have heard about...if you were just unfrozen from a block of ice that's held you inanimate since at least 2007. I speak of course about Facebookland, a mythical reality where roughly 1 out of every 5 human beings on the planet come to exchange 'likes', vacation photos and private information with countless unknown advertisers and shadow governments from around the world.

I wish it were so easy for me to dismiss the ultimate electronic trend of the modern era. But am I every bit as guilty as the most avid Facebook user? Wait, what were we talking about? I just was updating my status and lost my train of thought...Oh yes, I am somewhat justified here though: I only use it all the time as part of an ongoing anthropological examination of contemporary society. It's purely clinical. If there's two things I love to hate about people, it's their stupidity and inflated levels of self-importance. And if there are two things that Facebook content is drowning in, it's stupidity and self-importance. Just take a look at this douche bag:

No, Facebook isn't just a timesink--costing this country dearly in terms of office productivity--it was also recently determined to be an actual, physical blackhole, from which not even light stands a prayer of escaping. If you don't believe me, just check out this stat: Between 2008 and 2009 the average amount of time a user spends on THE social networking site 700 motherfucking percent. Holy shit. If this trend continues--and there's no reason to believe it won't--within a short 3 years we will be spending every conscious moment in Facebookland. If that wasn't scary enough, during that same time period you probably not only received a friend request but were actually 'poked' by your mom. No amount of therapy can undue damage like this.

And then, of course, Mark Zuckerberg's Final Solution will be implemented. Soon he will own all our souls. In fact, the movement has already begun...Look no further than Canada where news anchors are already showing signs of bodysnatching. This don't make no damn sense:

Since our only remedy in combatting the impending social networking invasion would be to start a Facebook group, we pretty much are left with no recourse except to simply embrace the Zuck.

So, if you want, hide your wife and your kids and your husbands and all that...

...but he will not rest until he gets a 'like' from every living man, woman and child on the planet. And he is undead, according to his most recent status update.

Up Next: (Sac)Religion (This won't be controversial at all).