Tuesday, October 11, 2011

**America's Top 10 Cities**

In continuing The Revolting Blog's recent obsession with lists, we will today tackle one of the more controversial subjects imaginable: regional significance. Everybody out there always thinks their own shit is the greatest, which is why it should come as no surprise that everyone wants to rep their own city as being the best city. Well, if that's what you think about your own city, you're wrong. Unless of course you happen to live in the place that is listed number one on the following run-down. The term 'best' is itself a controversial one...because what's it supposed to allude to, exactly? Greatest entertainment, most excitement, best food, best nightlife, classiest callgirls? Any of these can serve as a valid criterion, but really it's EVERYTHING, smooshed together into one impossibly big pile of awesomeness. Most importantly though--as I myself am hardly a 'city' person--these cities are ranked based upon how much awesomeness you can expect to absorb within a limited exposure. I am not trying to tell you the best cities to live in, I'm more concerned with concentrated doses of frivolity, and as such, the following rankings are fairly obvious (note--Vegas, shimmering shitshow that it is, cannot be included on this list for the simple reason that it's not a real place...if I included Vegas I'd have to include Epcot Center® and then I'd just end up getting sued by Disney):

Honorable Mention: D.C. (Chocolate City)

The Nation's Capital has come a long way since the War of 1812, when it was nearly burned to the ground by those assholes from England. The last 20 years in particular have seen an urban renaissance like few other cities in the country. A place that was traditionally reserved for politicians, lobbyists and crackheads, is now home to young professionals and a lot less murders. That's always good for business. DC has some incredible restaurants, and a vibrant nightlife--albeit concentrated into small pockets like Adam's Morgan and Georgetown. Bonus points for re-electing a mayor whose only defense, after being caught on camera smoking crack, was, "the bitch set me up!"

10.) Atlanta (Hotlanta)

One of the only things that makes the South worth visiting is this surprisingly cosmopolitan enclave sprawled across the landscape of otherwise bumblefuck Georgia. There are a slew of great beer bars and intimate music venues here that make Hotlanta a legitimate destination city and not just an airport layover kinda town. It's sad that the South will always be remembered as Civil War losers, because when it comes to home-cooked country cuisine, they are straight up winning.

9.) San Diego (America's Finest City)

San Diego has the best weather of any city in the country, hands down. It's beaches are superb, the streets are predominantly clean and Three's Company took place here for frick's sake. It is also home to one of the world's most impressive zoos--if caged animals is your thing. But what always keeps me coming back for more are the cheap and delicious tacos. Which is ironic, because the only thing discouraging me from moving here is their proximity to Mexico.

8.) Seattle (The Emerald City)

The birthplace of Grunge also gave the world some enjoyable music as well...like Jimi Hendrix and Kenny G--I kid, I just wanted to be the first person in history to put Jimi Hendrix and Kenny G in the same sentence. And again. Unfairly criticized for its remarkably shitty weather, the naysayers often overlook the breathtaking beauty of a Seattle summer. So what if you have to put up with 226 cloudy days a year? It's a small price to pay for admittance into one of the country's best music scenes. You're also rewarded with nearby access to some of the most pristine wilderness in the lower 48. A nice day in Seattle, backdropped by a gorgeous view of Rainier looming over the horizon will make you a believer.

7.) Miami (Little Havana)

There's so much more to Miami than just cocaine. Excuse me, I meant to say, there's just so much more cocaine in Miami. But don't hold that against this sexy city which is home to some of the best nightlife, most colorful architecture and excessively flamboyant people on the planet. South Beach is always rocking, the exotically gorgeous women are always dressed to kill and Cuban culture is on full display everywhere you look. So if you like mojitos, paella, coffee that's stronger than crack, and athletes that are cockier than John Holmes, Miami might be just the place for you.

6.) Boston (Beantown)

If it weren't for all those damn Massholes I wouldn't hesitate to put this historic city in the top 5. But the sad truth is that there's probably never been a group of schmucks so less deserving of an awesome home than Bostonians in Boston. Yet somehow Beantown manages to be an alluring place to be in spite of all those drunken douche bags that are always looking for a fight and whose lives are based almost exclusively around rooting for a team that has won two championships in the past 93 years. Sounds like a real uplifting existence. Always a top-rate college town, Boston is wicked loaded with loud bars and cheap drinks. It's a tiny place, which is limiting, but it's also the source of it's greatest supposed asset: it's charm. They also don't allow minorities within city limits, which any traditional (non-non-reverse) racist will appreciate.

5.) Chicago (The Windy City)

If it weren't for Chi-town, there would literally NEVER be a reason to get out of your car while driving from the Northeast to the West. The Windy City makes the midwest worthwhile and it almost lives up to it's inferior claim of being the Second City. But there's nothing wrong with being second best here--aside from some of the harshest winters imaginable. They have an amazing music scene, home to some of the world's greatest jazz and blues musicians, and these people know how to fucking eat! It's also a much cleaner and far nicer city than most others its size.

4.) New Orleans (The Big Easy)

This continually-running party known as a city is one of the most thoroughly entertaining places on the planet. If you're not having a good time in 'N'awlins' you're either Mormon, or you're getting mugged. Rarely in your life do you encounter such a large group of people so fervently devoted to letting the good times roll. Even though it hosts two of the country's most outrageous parties--in Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest--you can stumble into the French Quarter on any given night of the year and expect to find incredible live jazz, retardedly strong booze drinks and scantily clad women. It's America's least American city in all the right ways.

3.) San Francisco (Fog City)

SF is hand's down one of the most picturesque cities in the world. Built atop a narrow peninsula of rolling hills sandwiched between breathtaking bay and majestic ocean, San Fran is so much more than just a pretty postcard. The second most densely populated city in the country packs an impossibly powerful punch, with an incredibly diverse array of inhabitants and irrefutable cultural significance. It houses the country's best beer, wine, marijuana and restaurant scenes, squishing them all into a city of well under one million people.

2.) Los Angeles (City of Angels)

Perhaps no city on this list has as many detractors as LA. But when people badmouth the City of Angels I'm always perplexed; it is literally thousands of different places at once. To say you hate it all--in one blanket statement--surely means you must hate life, in general. True, Los Angeles has a big set of balls for grouping together all of these loosely knit communities into a completely non-organic 'whole.' But I dig variety and I dig energy and Los Angeles has both of these crucial elements on lockdown. Hip nightlife, incredible weather and the best-looking girls in the world. What are people complaining about, exactly?

1.) New York (The Big Apple)

I apologize for the predictability here, but clearly New York is regarded as The City for a reason: it is the yardstick by which all other metropoles are measured...and all others come up short. Huey Lewis broke the news most aptly when he declared, "where else can you do a half a million things, and all at a quarter to three?" You like Huey Lewis and the News?

With a population greater than the 2nd and 3rd largest cities in the country, COMBINED--New York is a daily conceptualization of the notion that Bigger IS Better. It's also the most profound epitomization of human society--for better and worse--ever realized in the modern era.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

**100 Bites of the Big Apple**

The City is a big-ass place. When trekking through the 5 Boroughs it's easy to become overwhelmed by the staggering array of bars, restaurants, clubs, parks, bars, overpaid athletes, overpaid bankers, underpaid street performers and impossibly large sewer rodents peppered across the landscape. To help make sense of all the madness, here is your ultimate primer...The Top 100 Bites of the Big Apple (In No Particular Order--Pictured Items Italicized):

100.) "The Bomb" -- Sal, Kris and Charlie's Deli (Astoria)

99.) "Bistro Burger" -- Corner Bistro (West Village)

98.) "Spotted Pig Burger" The Spotted Pig -- (West Village)

97.) Yellowfin tuna and foie gras on a toasted baguette -- Le Bernardin (Midtown)

96.) Prime Sirloin Steak -- Sparks Steakhouse (Midtown East)

95.) "Italian Deli Pizza" -- Saluggis (TriBeCa)

94.) Pirogi -- Lomzynianka (Greenpoint)

93.) Omakase -- Ushiwakamaru (Greenwich Village)

92.) "The Salty Pimp" -- Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (Union Square)

91.) Lobster Bisque -- The Lobster Place (Chelsea)

90.) Blood Orange Doughnut -- Dough (Bedford Stuyvesant)

89.) Rose Sangria -- Boqueria (South Village)

88.) Mac N' Cheese Slice -- Vinnie's Pizzeria (Greenpoint)

87.) Jamon Serrano & Manchego Sandwich -- Murray's Cheese Shop (West Village)

86.) Fresh Mint Gelato -- il Laboratorio del Gelato (Lower East Side)

85.) "Ki Roll" -- Ki Sushi (Cobble Hill)

84.) Veal Meatballs -- Bar Pitti (Greenwich Village)

83.) Porterhouse of Pork -- M. Wells (Long Island City) [TEMPORARILY CLOSED]

82.) Banh Mi -- Saigon Vietnamese Sandwich Deli (NoLIta)

81.) "Cheese Royale Burger" -- Royale (Alphabet City)

80.) Blue Cheese Tator Tots -- BLT Prime (Flatiron)

79.) Smoked & Fried Pork Nuggets Char No. 4 (Cobble Hill)

78.) Whole Wheat Everything Bagel with Lox Spread -- Ess-A-Bagel (Stuy Town)

77.) Red Velvet Ice Cream Sandwich -- Peter Pan Bakery (Greenpoint)

76.) Croque Monsieur -- Tartine (West Village)

75.) Prosciutto Arugula -- Otto Enoteca Pizzeria (Greenwich Village)

74.) "Aviation No. 1" -- Milk & Honey (Lower East Side)

73.) Beef Marrow & Oxtail Marmalade -- Blue Ribbon Brasserie (South Village)

72.) Krasata Paidakia -- Pylos (East Village)

71.) Roasted Duckling -- Bouley (TriBeCa)

70.) Baked Stuffed Veal Chop -- Del Posto (Chelsea)

69.) Yellowfin Tuna Tartare -- Gotham Bar and Grill (Greenwich Village)

68.) The DuMont Burger w/ Gruyere and Bacon-- DuMont (Williamsburg)

67.) Cheesy Waffle Fries -- 99 Miles to Philly (Union Square)

66.) Any Extra-hoppy I.P.A. -- Blind Tiger Ale House (West Village)

65.) "Pizza del Re" -- Keste Pizza & Vino (West Village)

64.) Original New York Cheesecake -- Junior's (Downtown Brooklyn)

63.) "Recession Special" -- Gray's Papaya (Upper West Side)

62.) "Eggs Hussard" -- Schiller's Liquor Bar (Lower East Side)

61.) Capt. Lawrence Reserve Imperial IPA -- Barcade (Williamsburg)

60.) Truffle Egg Toast w/ Bottarga -- 'inoteca (Lower East Side)

59.) Meatball Sliders -- Little Owl (West Village)

58.) Nonna Maria Slice -- Bleecker Street Pizza (West Village)

57.) Vermont Pork & Cheddar Link -- DBGB (NoHo)

56.) Smoked Pork Shoulder -- Gramercy Tavern (Flatiron)

55.) Connecticut Style Lobster Roll -- Red Hook Lobster Pound (Red Hook)

54.) Hellboy -- Paulie Gee's (Greenpoint)

53.) Creme Brulee Doughnut -- Doughnut Plant (Lower East Side)

52.) Crab Pizza -- Artichoke Basille's Pizza & Brewery (East Village)

51.) Coconut Cupcake -- Magnolia Bakery (West Village)

50.) Cuban Sandwich -- Cafe Habana (NoLIta)

49.) Any Hard to Find Ale -- Spuyten Duyvil (Williamsburg)

48.) Toro Tartare -- Morimoto (Chelsea)

47.) Pappardelle Bolognese -- Babbo Ristorante e Enoteca (Greenwich Village)

46.) "Kasha Knish" -- Yonah Schimmel's Knishes Bakery (Lower East Side)

45.) Burnt Ends -- RUB BBQ (Chelsea)

44.) Xiao Long Bao -- Joe's Shanghai (Chinatown)

43.) Sweet Potato Fries -- Maoz (Union Square)

42.) Blue 9 Burger Medieval Style -- Blue 9 Burger (East Village)

41.) Freddy's Junior -- King of Falafel and Shawarma (Astoria)

40.) Mac N' Cheese Pancakes -- Shopsins (Lower East Side)

39.) Peppers & Onions Hot Dog -- Nathan's Famous (Coney Island)

38.) Margherita Pizza -- Denino's Pizzeria Tavern (Elm Park)

37.) Scallion Pancakes -- Nan Xiang Dumpling House (Flushing)

36.) Bourbon and Toffee French Toast -- Diner (Williamsburg)

35.) Fried Yard Bird --Red Rooster (Harlem)

34.) Fettucini w/ Oxtail Ragu -- Eataly (Flatiron)

33.) Dry Aged Côte de Boeuf -- Minetta Tavern (Greenwich Village)

32.) Corned Beef on Rye -- 2nd Avenue Deli (Murray Hill)

31.) "The Bee Sting" -- Roberta's (Bushwick)

30.) Peking Style Pork Chops -- Nice Green Bo Restaurant (Chinatown)

29.) Gennaro Pie -- Lombardi's Pizza (NoLIta)

28.) Frites w/ Mango Chutney Mayo -- Pommes Frites (East Village)

27.) Pilsner and a Brat -- The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking District)

26.) Sashimi Sushi Combo -- Tomoe Sushi (Greenwich Village)

25.) Stuffed Artichoke -- Dominick's (Arthur Avenue)

24.) Pepperoni and Basil Pie -- Lucali (Carroll Gardens)

23.) "Chariman Bao" -- Baohaus (Lower East Side)

22.) Bacon Cheeseburger -- JG Melon (Upper East Side)

21.) Porterhouse Contadina -- Carmine's (Upper West Side)

20.) "Chihuahua Dog" -- Crif Dogs (St. Marks Place)

19.) Poutine w/ Smoked Meat -- Mile End (Boerum Hill)

18.) Elvis Cupcake -- Butter Lane (East Village)

17.) Shack Stack -- Shake Shack (Upper West Side)

16.) Bratwurst & Weihenstephaner Vitus -- Radegast Hall (Williamsburg)

15.) Any West Coast Microbrew -- Pacific Standard (Park Slope)

14.) Guaco Loco -- San Loco (East Village)

13.) Rivington Street -- Murray's Bagels (Greenwich Village)

12.) Fresh Burrata -- Il-Postino (Midtown East)

11.) Akamaru Modern -- Ippudo (East Village)

10.) Falafel Sandwich -- Mamoun's Falafel (Greenwich Village)

9.) Pork Belly -- Fette Sau (Williamsburg)

8.) Sausage and Broccoli Rabe Pie -- Di Fara Pizza (Midwood)

7.) Chicken Parm Sandwich -- Tino's Delicatessen (Arthur Avenue)

6.) Porterhouse for Two -- Peter Luger Steak House (Williamsburg)

5.) Pepperoni Pie -- Totonno's (Coney Island)

4.) Spicy Pork Sausage & Rice Cakes -- Momofuku Ssam Bar (East Village)

3.) Super Heebster -- Russ & Daughters (Lower East Side)

2.) Blue Fin Tuna -- Sushi Yasuda (Midtown East)

1.) Pastrami w/ Melted Swiss -- Katz's Delicatessen (Lower East Side)

There you have it. And now I'm fucking starving. First person to compile 100 photos--one for each of these magnetic munchies--wins a prize far beyond your wildest desires.

Peking Style Pork Chops (Nice Green Bo)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

**Ten Most Famous T*pless Scenes**

Great. Now that the self-important political rambling has concluded, we can move on to more pressing matters: boobs. Here at the Revolting Blog © we are quite dismissive of most things, but if there are two things that we whole-heartedly appreciate, they're boobs. And a third thing: lists. So, in the interest of saving time, we've combined these totally awesome aspects of internetting into one. Namely, a list of boobs--and more specifically, a list of the most famous boobs to ever bounce their way into mainstream Hollywood motion pictures. For those of you that think this is perverted, I have a few choice 'p' words of my own to spray your way, primarily: prude, puritanical, pious, pubic. The last one is only there for dramatic impact. But, in all seriousness, lighten up. We are about to take a purely innocent, non-erotic gander at the aesthetic wonder that is the female form, no disrespect intended...now let's look at 'em titties!!! (All photos have been censored to preserve a PG-13 rating, but if you promise you're over 18--click on the titular links...haha, titular)

Considering that this was one of the most laughably horrendous action films this side of Jean Claude Van-Damme's career, I'm assuming that the only reason you ever saw this movie was for the above scene. And sweet Jesus was it worth it. Bonus points awarded to Berry for making her first topless appearance in a film with such staggering artistic merit.

This movie was incredibly influential on my adolescence. Because of this demented sci-fi action thriller, I still to this day have to assume that every impossibly gorgeous, blonde bombshell that comes up to me at a club demanding sex is probably some sort of blood-sucking, alien monster. Who knows how many genuine full-blooded human supermodels I've turned away in the process...

Good God, there's not much I can say about this movie. But that's only because I've never bothered watching anything more than this one scene. So I can tell you that this movie involves a hot, naked chick getting railed by Corey Haim, if that helps push it up your Netflix queue. I'd say it's the highlight of Haim's tragically short career, but that would only be partially true. It's actually the highlight of Haim's tragically short life.

Another one with tremendous nostalgic value. Imagine if you were an impressionable, young child and you thought you had just rented Where the Wild Things Are but were then astonished to see a steamy lesbian makeout session between two of the hotter young actresses of their day--how fucking awesome would that be? For the sake of our future generations, I hope that mistake is being made right now. By the way, who invited you Johnny Drama Sr? You're totally killing my, umm buzz.

Mischa Barton's career never reached the lofty heights that some had imagined it would. And thank goodness for that--if she had become a successful starlet she'd never feel compelled to bare her perky breasts for the world to see in a shitty arthouse flick like the easily forgettable, Closing the Ring.

Katie Holmes only went topless once--in a movie that probably was only seen accidentally in theaters, by movie-goers confused by the title into thinking they would be receiving some sort of prize upon entry. The real 'gift' came in the form of Katie's gorgeous, well-proportioned funbags, in a scene that either really pisses Tom Cruise off--or marks the only time he's ever seen his "wife's" exposed chest.

This movie was a double-whammy for adolescent boys everywhere. Not only does it feature the asinine, fart-joke driven humor of Tom Green and Co.--perfectly suited to Middle-Schoolers everywhere--it also cuts right to the chase with an incredible strip-tease from buxom blonde Amy Smart, within the first 15 minutes of the film. No pesky fast-forwarding necessary.

Amanda Peet is one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood today and this incredibly awesome, totally unexpected scene helped prop-up her promising career. Brandishing a handgun while exposing her glorious nipples was enough to make Amanda Peet any redneck's non-Confederacy-related dream come true. Too bad for them she's Jewish.

This brown-acid trip of a mindfuck that David Lynch questionably calls a 'movie' will always have a prominent place in my DVD collection simply because of the Oscar-worthy acting of Australian hottie Naomi Watts--just kidding...it's because of all the scorching-hot lesbian action. Duh.

This is it! The ultimate male fantasy sequence and the exact moment when the sexual curiosities of an entire generation were awakened. It's impossible for me to think of the name "Phoebe Cates" without hearing that incredibly corny '80s electronica bleeping and blooping in the background of my brain as I envision that slow, majestic revelation of her perfectly-sculpted knockers. It is to my great advantage, or embarrassment, that the character having the fantasy shares my first name.

So what do you think? Is this list the tits, or what?

Anger into Action

Occupy Wall Street--the rapidly expanding movement that has grown out of lower Manhattan over the past few weeks--has received a fair share of derision at the hands of the MSM. The most common gripe seems to be that protestors lack leadership and any clear goals or agenda. Well, for one: they do. But perhaps more compelling is simply their snowballing presence and strengthening resonance throughout the cultural landscape. They are nothing less than a physical manifestation of the colossal unrest and free-floating anger that pervades contemporary society. This huge amorphous blob of dissatisfaction is entirely threatening to the establishment because it can easily be sculpted into something far more concrete and revolutionary, but ONLY if the Powers That Be aren't able to contain it in its fledgling phases.

In the name of promoting traction, here is one very easy vow that can and should become a mantra for these hoarded masses of unhappy citizens: Vote.

That's right. An easy to perform task that some would even refer to as civic duty. It's only going to take an hour or two--at most--out of your entire year, and judging by the fact that you've been camping out in downtown Manhattan for the past few weeks, I think you can fit it into your busy schedule. SO FUCKING DO IT!


The increasing mess that we find ourselves in today (namely a disturbing disparity between mega-rich and everyone else) is wholly a function of the revolving door between Big Business and Big Politics. Businesses spoon-feed political campaigns--hedging their bets by doubling down on both sides of the aisle. Politicians, GOPs and DEMs alike, respond by looking out for their donors. It's not Rocket Science, it's elementary logic--you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

In Journalism any publisher will tell you about the supreme importance of a firewall that exists between advertising and editorial. Without it, you can merely buy yourself press and in so doing sacrifice the integrity that is vital to any reputable news source. In society, business is advertising and politics is editorial, yet we have let the firewall between the two erode entirely. And how do you think that has affected the integrity of our beloved institutions?

Our only hope of ever breaking this vicious cycle is to support--exclusively--candidates that don't owe anything to corporate sponsorship. And thanks to modern technology (i.e. the Internet) we can do the research necessary to find these outliers, no matter how obscure or under-advertised they may seem. Obscurity is obsolete in this day and age, so let's start taking advantage of that fact. It is profoundly asinine that our society continually refuses to entertain the viability of a 3rd party option.

If I loved Coca-Cola but then one day the flavor unexpectedly changed and started sucking ass, I'd strongly consider giving Pepsi a try. So now I'm all setup with Pepsi, but then--wouldn't you know it-- Pepsi started sucking shit as well. So maybe once, just once, I'll have the opportunity to try switching back to Coca-Cola again without being viewed as a complete and total imbecile. But how many times can I switch back and forth between these, and ONLY these two sucky options before friends and loved ones would consider having me committed? It's a pretty simple point, America: give RC Cola a chance already, won't you? It's really not that bad. Just because you've never seen a commercial for them doesn't mean it's not fantastically refreshing. Fuck, even go with Polar
Cola if you want--true, their soda tastes like asshole, but they have a super cool website.

Why do we INSIST upon pigeon-holing ourselves within the most restrictive boxes imaginable? WHY!?

Some 20th century pseudo-intellectual named Albert Ein-something (a moron, relatively speaking) famously defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Doesn't anyone notice this? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

Let's all come together, Occupiers, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, Socialists--we all want the same thing: a fair shake at a happy life for ourselves and our families. So why not combine our efforts against the common enemy and make the fragmenting, disempowering terms REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT as obsolete as they are non-productive. Now THAT would be a movement you can bet your ass would make Wall Street and Washington tremble.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

"Even though I never met him, I'm feeling the loss of Steve Jobs on a very personal level."

If u bought $500 worth of Apple the day that Forrest Gump came out, it'd be worth $30,226 today.

It would be impossible to go through a single day in modern society without using a device innovated by Steve Jobs.