Eat, The Rich

This is a real receipt from a recent meal at an Orange County, CA restaurant:

**Mindless Memes**

Wikipedia defines a meme as "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture." Kind of like the meme of altruism. Oh wait, scratch that...helping other people--not just for shameless-self promotion, but for the sake of actually doing good, would never catch on, although it does make for a particularly poignant commercial if you're a multi-billion dollar insurance company:

But I'm talking about things that are really important, and that spread through the cultural landscape like wildfire. Y'know, like planking: lying face-down, motionless and completely oblivious to your surroundings. Yet how is that any different from what you do everyday as a citizen in this post-modern world? Where is the novelty in that, let alone the creativity? How many rhetorical questions can I ask in a single paragraph?

In all seriousness though, this is one of the most mindless fads to sweep the internet in ages. It hasn't been funny since Tom Greene did it in the mid-90s and it is so vastly unoriginal and uninspiring that even the morons who popularized it are moving on to bigger and better things...like owling. Thanks, Hilary Duff--you're totally socially relevant again (and your husband looks thrilled)! Pure genius.

Just imagine if you were an advanced form of extraterrestrial life, here to observe mankind before deciding wether or not to establish contact with our species. As soon as you saw a trend of people trying to outdo one another by perching themselves on ledges in an increasingly precarious manner, you would pack it up and take the next hyperspeed shuttle back to your home planet, without thinking twice. The real scary thing is that we are now encouraged by the internet to replicate the same action that everyone else is doing, no matter how inane or non-clever that action may be, just so that we can get in on a fad. What we're actually doing is promoting an environment which squashes innovation and promotes blind, mind-numbing repetition. Pavlov has just rung your bell.

Personally, I'd like to advocate throning. That's the new fad where you just sit in a chair of your choosing and look all regal--like a king. There's not much to it, but that's the whole point. Just because it's easy doesn't meant that you can't perfect it, as this awesome gentleman plainly demonstrates. And guess what, if you happen to perish while attempting these lemming-like stunts of stupidity, you are doing humanity a tremendous favor. At least natural selection has found one small way to infiltrate modern society in an earnest attempt to improve the gene pool. And speaking of pools, make sure to check out another internet sensation making the rounds: Leisure Diving. At least this one is actually cool to look at, and probably increases the risk of catastrophic injury. G'day mate.

Facebookland

Today I am going to talk to you about a small, little social phenomenon that you might not have heard about...if you were just unfrozen from a block of ice that's held you inanimate since at least 2007. I speak of course about Facebookland, a mythical reality where roughly 1 out of every 5 human beings on the planet come to exchange 'likes', vacation photos and private information with countless unknown advertisers and shadow governments from around the world.

I wish it were so easy for me to dismiss the ultimate electronic trend of the modern era. But am I every bit as guilty as the most avid Facebook user? Wait, what were we talking about? I just was updating my status and lost my train of thought...Oh yes, I am somewhat justified here though: I only use it all the time as part of an ongoing anthropological examination of contemporary society. It's purely clinical. If there's two things I love to hate about people, it's their stupidity and inflated levels of self-importance. And if there are two things that Facebook content is drowning in, it's stupidity and self-importance. Just take a look at this douche bag:

No, Facebook isn't just a timesink--costing this country dearly in terms of office productivity--it was also recently determined to be an actual, physical blackhole, from which not even light stands a prayer of escaping. If you don't believe me, just check out this stat: Between 2008 and 2009 the average amount of time a user spends on THE social networking site increased...by 700 motherfucking percent. Holy shit. If this trend continues--and there's no reason to believe it won't--within a short 3 years we will be spending every conscious moment in Facebookland. If that wasn't scary enough, during that same time period you probably not only received a friend request but were actually 'poked' by your mom. No amount of therapy can undue damage like this.

And then, of course, Mark Zuckerberg's Final Solution will be implemented. Soon he will own all our souls. In fact, the movement has already begun...Look no further than Canada where news anchors are already showing signs of bodysnatching. This don't make no damn sense:

Since our only remedy in combatting the impending social networking invasion would be to start a Facebook group, we pretty much are left with no recourse except to simply embrace the Zuck.

So, if you want, hide your wife and your kids and your husbands and all that...

...but he will not rest until he gets a 'like' from every living man, woman and child on the planet. And he is undead, according to his most recent status update.

Up Next: (Sac)Religion (This won't be controversial at all).