Wednesday, June 29, 2011

5 Reasons to Stay Indoors This Summer

Summertime used to be the season of re-runs. My, how things have changed. Nowadays it seems as though some of the hottest shows on TV debut during the hottest time of year. Here's my list of the 5 BEST Summer Series':

5.) Weeds
Okay, so we all know this show jumped the shark at the end of season 2, when Nancy--the pot-dealing suburban mom--got out of the stickiest of jams with the mother of all deux ex machinas. But guess what, I'm too invested in the characters at this point to stop watching. Plus, Andy Botwin is still one of the funniest fuck-ups in television history.

4.) Entourage (Final Season)
What were we just saying about sharkjumping? Again though, we care about the characters too much to allow this show's often stagnant--and always contrived--storylines bore us as much as they should. Plus it's every guys guilty pleasure and, it being the last season, I'm hoping for some unusually provocative plot twists. And boobs.

3.) Louie
The most hilarious comedian today is also the most cutting-edge. And the newest televised incarnation of Louie CK's sidesplitting hilarity holds nothing back. Is there nothing sacred? Fuck no. Aids.

2.) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I'll try not to get too excited about it, but this upcoming season is set in The Big Apple. Larry's coming home, BABY!!!

1.) Breaking Bad
Nothing can prepare you for the emotionally jarring, downward trajectory of Walt and his entire inner circle in the most superbly-acted and masterfully-written drama of our time.

Am I missing anything? Probably, but that's what the comments section is for!

Pliny the Elder

The best beer in history comes from Santa Rosa, California. In this quaint Bay Area city--right along the laid-back streets of downtown is where you'll find the Russian River Brewing Company--makers of the highest rated beer EVER. Beer Advocate gives its an A+ grade, which is funny because there's nothing better than an A+

In fact, this beer is so unbelievably perfect, you could actually use it to water your plants (please don't use this beer to water to your plants).

Here's the part where I could easily bore you with ancient anecdotes about the life and times of the historical figure for which the beer derives its name. But let's face it, even Pliny himself wouldn't give a fermented fuck. At any rate, the bottle itself says it all:

If you know at all about the fine art of brewing, then you are already very well aware of Vinnie Cilurzo and his tireless efforts to make this world a safer place for beer-drinkers everywhere. He is a legend of microbrewing mastery, not to mention a helluva nice guy. It wouldn't surprise me if the guy cures cancer someday, but I'm not gonna put any added pressure on him to do that, because even if he hangs it all up tomorrow he's done far more for the human race than should ever be expected of any one man. If you want to show him a sign of your appreciation, try sending him a holiday card or something. But I have a feeling that he would be happier if you just picked up one of his peerless specimens of liquid perfection and enjoy the fastidious craft that he instills into each and every single bottle of the Worlds' Greatest Beer. Here's a list of places where you can find it. If you don't live near these places, consider moving there now!

Here's the line of presumably unemployed alcoholics waiting--on a workday--for upwards of four hours outside the brewery on the annual release date of the controversial Triple IPA, Pliny the Younger.

I can't imagine what kind of a schmuck you'd have to be to waste hours of your life on beer, but I'll be sure to text you when I find out...

The Man himself talks about his very special creation:


In reverence to my friend @MM--currently the hardest working man in show business (RIP James Brown)--I wanted to share a very special post this Wednesday that will be the first in a weekly series to help my becubicled brethren get through the oft-tedious workweek. Anything to help out the productivity of my fine nation!

That's right...Jewelry! And isn't it beautiful? Apparently there's many an admirer for this type of work, so let's take a look at what else is floating around the blogosphere:

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pizza Power Players--The Undisputed Top 20

In honor of Official Pizza Month, and to placate my demanding friend @LCS (Louie CS, not the Mormons) I am presenting you eager readers out there with the undisputed list of Best Pizzas Ever. For the record, Official Pizza Month is in October, so I have a little time to get my pies in order. Until that time, let's just play it safe and regard this list as irrefutable, scientific law. If you think the following list is a little New York-heavy, well then you've clearly not spent enough time in The City. After all, there are at least 4 spots below that are not in the NY Metro Area. That's a generous concession right there. And only 4 out of the top 5 are from Brooklyn--so as for favoritism...fuggedaboutit!

1.) DiFara Pizzeria (1424 Avenue J Brooklyn, NY 11230)

Two Words: Domenic DeMarco

Cheese Baked Right into the Thin-Crust Dough

Crispy Simplicity--Basil and Fresh Parmesan

Thinner Crusted--Sauce on Top

Coal Oven Magic

6.) San Marzano Pizza (71 Clinton St., New York, NY 10002)
Napoletana, Naturally

Thin and Crisp--The Best Pizza Outside New York

Sausage in Every Bite--Best Deep Dish Ever

9.) South Brooklyn Pizza (63 4th Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11217)
Fresh Neapolitan Pie at 4AM

The Best Sicilian Slice in the Country

Sausage and Broccoli Rabbe--West Coast Pizza At It's Best

Fresh Local Ingredients Change on the Daily

Batali's Best on the West

14.) Famous Joe's Pizza (7 Carmine Street, New York, NY 10014)
Textbook NYC Pizza

15.) Frank Pepe's Pizza (157 Wooster Street, New Haven, CT 06511)
Home of the Sensational White Clam Pie

Authentic Italian-Style Pizza in the Heart of the West Village

17.) Lombardi's Pizza (32 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012)
The Birthplace of Coal Oven New York Style Pizza

Light, Full-Crusted New York/California Hybrid--Best of Both Coasts

A Unique Fried Dough That's Thin and Brittle

Great AND Gratuitously-Oversized: A Hometown Staple

Sweet Jesus, this is FAR AND AWAY the definitive collection of pizza on the planet today. If you disagree, not only are you a schmuck, but you probably find this satisfying.

Food Porn

The Good:

The Bad:

The Ugly (Insanely Beautiful):

Monday, June 27, 2011


Have you seen this man?

If so--for the love of cross-dressing Jesus--do not approach him! Authorities believe the so-called 'Bruschetta Bandit' to be parmed and extremely dangerous. If you're unlucky enough to encounter this mysterious deviant please consider alerting your local pizza hotline. (Offer only applies in the Greater DC Metro Area)

In fact, he might be stealing your pizza as we speak--stuffing slices under his sweatshirt. None can be trusted. Here is the most recent surveillance video obtained thru hidden FBI security cameras:

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Just Keep Practicing

Courtesy of GFunkExpress, the following is the inspiring clip of a young child who has just learned to ride a bike for the first time. Thanks to modern technology (social media in particular) this iconic young lad is now immortalized as a symbol of unyielding courage and determination.

For bonus motivational points, try cranking Vangelis in the background:

That Vangelis dude is kinda rockin' the whole Loggins/Messina motif, huh?

Would have thought him to be significantly more Beethovenesque in appearance...


After years of honing the masterful skills of facial impersonation, Vangelis has managed to NAIL the patented Beethoven grimace, a scowl which is usually only brought on after years of ruthless childhood lashings. No word yet as to wether or not the post-modern pianist had to endure savage floggings in order to sustain such a disconcerting stare, typically reserved for probable sex-offenders:

I Am Not An Andriod...

This epic mashup of more than 30 individual covers of Radiohead's seminal classic, "Paranoid Andriod" will give you goosebumps everytime. Unless, of course, you're not at all human.