**Best Burger Bulletin**

The following compilation of the Country’s Best Burgers is the DEFINITIVE, know-all-end-all list. In fact, you will never have to seek out another list for hamburgers for as long as you live. After years of cross country travel I have assembled the following 25 spots from all around America and smooshed them down into one consolidated resource so that you don’t have to think about such controversial matters ever again. Instead you can spend your time worrying about stupid things, like where the best hot dogs can be found. I don’t know hot dogs, but I DO know Hamburgers...That being said, this was the hardest list to rank, EVER...because it had to be completely, 100% accurate. The only rule was that popular chain locations had to be omitted, so don’t be insulted In n’ Out and 5 Guys fanatics...You are great and all, but only when McDonalds and Burger King are used as a basis of comparison. Enjoy...

25.) Pearl’s Deluxe Burgers 708 Post Street SF, CA 94109 (415) 409-6120

San Francisco’s favorite greasy-spoon diner delight offers an array of bitching burgers. The go-to has got to be the Spicy Sly, featuring spicy pumpkin-habanero sauce and topped with grilled peppers and spicy Jack cheese. Upgrade the patty to Kobe-status for a few bucks more worth of delectability.

24.) Rocky’s Crown Pub 3786 Ingraham Street San Diego, CA 92109 (858) 273-9140

The best pub style burger in the West. Simple, greasy and to the point. Surf’s up.

23.) Grüner 527 SW 12th Avenue Portland, OR 97205 (503) 241-7163

Portland has really come up in the food scene and their Grüner Burger is the best the city has to offer. A juicy delight of salty, savory satisfaction, it’s served on a poppy-seeded potato bun with pickled red onions, aioli, arugula, smoky bacon and melted fontina cheese.

22.) Rustic Canyon 1119 Wilshire Boulevard, SaMo, CA 90401 (310) 393-7050

Often voted Los Angeles’ best, the Breakfast Burger is 8 ounces of organic, Niman Ranch beef spruced up with thick cut bacon confit (that’s cooked in frickin’ duck fat), sharp cheddar, a fried egg and arugula, nestled into a perfectly-toasted Rockenwagner brioche.

21.) Shake Shack 11 Madison Avenue # 1, New York (212) 889-6600

Danny Meyer’s chain of high-end, fast-food style burgers has taken over Manhattan in the past few years. The patties are thin, yet still juicy and they may or may not contain crack, considering the unfathomable lines that people put up with in waiting for one. If you’re gonna wait, why not go for the best? The ‘Shroom Burger is a psychedelic treat that boasts a breaded, deep-fried portobello mushroom stuffed with Meunster and cheddar cheese. Heady.

20.) Blazer Burger 440 RT 22 North Salem, NY 10560 (914) 277-4424

Full disclosure: I grew up on the Celsus Burger served here so I’m a little biased. But even the most impartial observer would understand the intoxicating combination of coarse, fatty ground beef, seared to perfection on a fresh kaiser roll with crisped bacon, greasy-grilled onions and meticulously-melted swiss. Home is whenever I’m with you.

19.) Kua ‘Aina 1200 Ala Moana Blvd # 665, Honolulu, HI - (808) 591-9133

Huge, juicy beef patty, fluffy buns, and superb add-ons such as grilled pineapple and fresh avocado. I gotta get back to the island! Aloha no ka oi!

18.) Corner Bistro 331 West 4th Street New York, NY 10014 (212) 242-9502

The best pub style burger in New York is also the best value anywhere in Manhattan--by far. For around 10$ you can enjoy a decent beer and a greasy, coarsely ground, no frills bacon cheeseburger. Not organic, not fancy, just damn tasty.

17.) Squeeze Inn 5301 Power Inn Rd Sacramento, CA 95820 (916) 386-8599

Yes, the burger itself is very tasty and pretty large as well. But what makes this place stand out is their unique style of applying a large sheet of cheese--eclipsing the patty itself--and allowing it to fry to a satisfying crisp on the griddle.

16.) Village Whisky 118 So. 20th Street Philadelphia, PA 19103 (215) 665-1088

Philadelphia is a city that likes to eat. When your claim to fame is obesity, you know you must be doing something right when it comes to food. The Whisky King is their Rocky of burgers. Using naturally raised Maine beef--seasoned sensationally--and topped with oregon bleu cheese, applewood smoked bacon and seared foie gras, this is the closest feeling an Eagle’s fan can get to the unmitigated joy of seeing their team win a Super Bowl.

15.) Minetta Tavern 113 MacDougal St. NY, NY 10012 Bleecker St. 212-475-3850

Made with Pat La Frieda’s peerless Black Label ground beef blend, this hip Greenwich Village eatery can get away with charging close to $30 for a hamburger cause it’s just that damn delicious.

14.) 900 Grayson 900 Grayson St Berkeley, CA 94710 (510) 704-9900

Berkeley has many good burgers but none as good as the Grayson Burger. Using natural, organic beef and triple-smoked bacon is a good start. Adding a touch of house made BBQ sauce and a slew of fried onion strings puts it over the top.

13.) Kuma’s Corner 2900 West Belmont Avenue Chi, IL 60618 (773) 604-8769

This Metal Bar names most of their burgers after Heavy Metal legends. Whereas I will always be partial to Led Zeppelin, here I go with the original Kuma, featuring bacon, cheddar and a fried egg atop an impossibly large 10 oz. patty and sandwiched in between a rugged, salted pretzel roll.

12.) 5-8 Club 5800 Cedar Avenue So. Minneapolis, MN 55417 (612) 823-5858

The Juicy Lucy was made popular here. Your choice of cheese melted in a molten core INSIDE of the patty. Be careful when you bit into it, you might get scalded by deliciousness.

11.) Sparky’s BBQ 115 FRANKLIN ST. HATCH, New Mexico 575.267.4222

Green Hatch Chile Burger. A New Mexican sensation, and nothing like it anywhere else.

10.) Burger Bar 3930 Las Vegas Blvd So. #121A Las Vegas, NV 89119 (702) 632-9364

This place is all about choices. All-star chef Hubert Keller delivers the goods in a variety of high-end kobe beef, buffalo and turkey meat and lets you choose from a list of amazing add-ons, such as lobster tails or even black truffles. Build your own masterpiece.

9.) Peter Luger 178 Broadway Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 387-7400

The undisputed heavyweight champion of New York Steakhouses also makes a damn good burger during the afternoon. No surprises, as the Luger Burger uses some of their world-famous porterhouse in the chuck. The brioche is fresh and delicious and the bacon is thick cut and sinful enough to terrify the hordes of hassidim that populate the surrounding neighborhood.

8.) Le Tub 1100 North Ocean Drive Hollywood, FL 33019 (954) 921-9425

This Key-West style dive bar makes you wait upwards of an hour for what has got to be the biggest pub-style burger I’ve ever eaten. Nearly 3/4th a pound of beef that is the perfect blend of salty, savory and juicy.

7.) Spruce 3640 Sacramento Street SF, CA 94118-1710 (415) 931-5100

San Francisco’s best is brought to life with perfectly seared ground chuck and house-made pickles and pickled onions.

6.) Umami Burger 850 South La Brea Avenue, Los Angeles -(323) 931-3000

LA’s obsession with this popular series of burger joints is well-founded. The Manly Burger packs so much flavor in between the bun, it’s ri-goddamn-diculous. Bacon lardon, beer-cheddar cheese and smoked onion strings will help with that. This burger is many things, but unfortunately it is not oversized.

5.) Holeman & Finch 2277 Peachtree Road NE#B ATL-GA 30309 (404) 948-1175

This stylish Atlanta gastropub only serves around 20 of these masterful double-cheeseburgers every night at around 9:30, at the ringing of a bell. Don’t miss out. It’s like an In-n-Out double double on some serious Barry Bonds juice.

4.) Radius 8 High Street Boston, MA 02110 (617) 426-1234

Boston’s boss of burgers is the Radius Burger--a 9 oz. patty perfectly engineered by renowned chef Michael Shlow to seal in the juiciness of the beef: lightly char the exterior on a grill before placing the burger into a salamander so that it doesn’t dry out. Top it with cheddar cheese, mild horse-radish and a healthy dose of crispy fried onions...Proceed to devour.

3.) DB Bistro 55 W. 44th St., New York, NY 10036 212-391-2400

The World’s Original Gourmet Burger is $32, which is actually a value when you consider that it’s stuffed--gloriously--with savory, braised short ribs and seared foie gras. When introduced in 2001, The DB Burger elevated hamburgers to a whole new stratosphere. It’s no less delicious now than it was then.

2.) Spotted Pig 314 West 11th Street New York, NY 10014-2369 (212) 620-0393

The best burger in New York is all about the best meat--like steak on a bun...a cross-charred, buttered brioche bun. Made with an insane amount of pungent blue cheese and served with an even more insane amount of outstanding rosemary garlic shoestring fries.

1.) Father’s Office 1018 Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA (310) 736-2224

The top of this list was by far the easiest choice. The first-rate FO Burger is a proprietary blend of aged ribeye smothered in a heavenly compote of bacon and caramelized onion reduction with gruyere and maytag blue melted on top. Absolute perfection. No condiments allowed (much to Mike's chagrin).

Well, there you have it. Think anything is missing, or that this list is fundamentally flawed? Well, I think you're fundamentally flawed. But this is America, damnit, so feel free to chime in...

**Never Forget**

There's always hope for a better tomorrow.

Unlike that misguided attempt at charity that we all remember from earlier in the month, this is TRUE ALTRUISM and if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye then you might just be a heartless monster. Every now and then, or almost every day really, we need some small measure of kindness to help restore our faith in humanity. Hopefully this video helps you with this for at least a moment or two.

Beware the Chupacabra!

What's more frightening: the legends of a mysterious, goat-mutilating creature roaming parts of Southern Texas and Mexico, or the reality of a 13-year-old boy with access to a lethal firearm readily available?

You decide. But if the artful rendering of this notorious beast is any indicator of how vicious and dexterous it might be, I'm going with the 13-year-old with the rifle.

That's right son, you show that sickly coyote who's boss. Incidentally the Chupacabra has its own theme song that might be even more terrifying than the creature itself:

Of course there's also been sightings of other unexplained entities in nearby Alabama:

Which brings us to the moral of today's story: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE SOUTH. If you want Waffle House that badly there's one in Middletown, Delaware, a good 50 miles north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

**Mindless Memes**

Wikipedia defines a meme as "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture." Kind of like the meme of altruism. Oh wait, scratch that...helping other people--not just for shameless-self promotion, but for the sake of actually doing good, would never catch on, although it does make for a particularly poignant commercial if you're a multi-billion dollar insurance company:

But I'm talking about things that are really important, and that spread through the cultural landscape like wildfire. Y'know, like planking: lying face-down, motionless and completely oblivious to your surroundings. Yet how is that any different from what you do everyday as a citizen in this post-modern world? Where is the novelty in that, let alone the creativity? How many rhetorical questions can I ask in a single paragraph?

In all seriousness though, this is one of the most mindless fads to sweep the internet in ages. It hasn't been funny since Tom Greene did it in the mid-90s and it is so vastly unoriginal and uninspiring that even the morons who popularized it are moving on to bigger and better things...like owling. Thanks, Hilary Duff--you're totally socially relevant again (and your husband looks thrilled)! Pure genius.

Just imagine if you were an advanced form of extraterrestrial life, here to observe mankind before deciding wether or not to establish contact with our species. As soon as you saw a trend of people trying to outdo one another by perching themselves on ledges in an increasingly precarious manner, you would pack it up and take the next hyperspeed shuttle back to your home planet, without thinking twice. The real scary thing is that we are now encouraged by the internet to replicate the same action that everyone else is doing, no matter how inane or non-clever that action may be, just so that we can get in on a fad. What we're actually doing is promoting an environment which squashes innovation and promotes blind, mind-numbing repetition. Pavlov has just rung your bell.

Personally, I'd like to advocate throning. That's the new fad where you just sit in a chair of your choosing and look all regal--like a king. There's not much to it, but that's the whole point. Just because it's easy doesn't meant that you can't perfect it, as this awesome gentleman plainly demonstrates. And guess what, if you happen to perish while attempting these lemming-like stunts of stupidity, you are doing humanity a tremendous favor. At least natural selection has found one small way to infiltrate modern society in an earnest attempt to improve the gene pool. And speaking of pools, make sure to check out another internet sensation making the rounds: Leisure Diving. At least this one is actually cool to look at, and probably increases the risk of catastrophic injury. G'day mate.

**Daily Dose of Douche: Flaming Edition**

Here's the entirely misleading and wholeheartedly erroneous statement that this flaming baggadouche said:

And THIS is how he decided to 'apologize' for it after he was called the FUCK out by MediaMatters:

And don't even think for a second that this was by accident. Faux News has pulled the exact same misinformational maneuver in the past:

I try not to get at all political on this blog as I find both sides to be players in a pathetic sideshow purposefully construed to distract, divide and prevent us from coagulating into a singular, critical mass...But this is NUTS. First off, 16 friends that died that day? Eat a bag of dicks. I am calling total bullshit on that because y'know who worked at the World Trade Center? Jews. Lots of Jews. You know what Jews don't do (aside from getting tattoos and riding motorcycles)? WATCH FOX NEWS...which means they would never befriend a hack

such as yourself to begin with. Furthermore, if you did in fact have dear friends die on that day, shouldn't that be as good a reason as any to not forget the tragic events that happened on September 11th, 2001, and the disturbing events that led up to it? Which is exactly what you did, just 72 hours ago, on national television for all to see. But now you choose to turn the story around to blame the 'petty' factcheckers with their factual facts and all? Guess what's not petty, being a journalist and reporting truthful information in a straightforward manner. That's the very nature of your job and if you can't handle it without cowering and whining like a bratty schoolchild, than perhaps you should consider another line of work more suited to your skill set...like fluffing. Remember the name: Eric Bolling, because no matter how unimaginably irrelevant he really is in this world, he is a 10 pounds of flaming douche in a 9 pound bag. If you wanna spread around mistruths that's your business, just don't do it under the guise of 'journalism.' Shame on you, sir. And your entire organization, for that matter...as more and more comes to light about News. Corps' wholly unethical tactics.

**Early Adopters**

Quick. Read this article. You could be the first among your group of friends to realize how big of a schmuck you are. Well, not YOU personally...but all those other poor souls waiting on line to be the first to get their hands on something brand new! You're just here to mock the rest of them, aren't you?

Early Adopters, as they're commonly known, are the scourge of society. Not to say that they're horrible people, I'm sure most of them mean little harm. It's just that they should be neutered...immediately. They represent Conspicuous Consumption in all it's depraved glory, epitomizing the phenomenon wherein style beats the ever-living shit out of substance. Because for most of them, the actual technology they're getting their hands on comes in distant second to the primal, smug satisfaction of knowing that they got their greasy paws on it before anyone else. And how wonderful that is for all of them. Unfortunately, though, most new tech toys come fully-equipped with shitloads of flaws and limitations which aren't smoothed out until subsequent models are released (well, not always). Early Adopters are essentially volunteering themselves to be technocratic guinea pigs in exchange for showing the rest of the world how truly hip they are. Very hip.

Psychologically speaking, being among the first to adopt something new gives us a false sense of innovation, it's as if we were the ones partially responsible for creating the groundbreaking gadget at hand. We can all feel like mini-Steve Jobs'. But guess what: Steve Jobs is not an Early Adopter, he's an Early Developer...and that's infinitely more badass (and lucrative). It also allows far less time and energy to be spent on wardrobe preferences than most hipsters would be willing to abide.

But beyond just the latest technological craze, the 'I Wanna Be First' mentality manifests itself in many walks of life, notably music (you guys download the new Bon Iver album yet? Oh, I've had the pre-release for weeks, so it's kinda played out now), and of course celebrity death posts (Did you get to update your FB status to 'RIP MJ' before any of your friends did?).

It's interesting that the moment the masses climb on board with a new fad is precisely when most of the early-adopting hipsters want out, dismissing what they once enjoyed as now being hopelessly mainstream...Even though nothing substantiative nor meaningful has changed about what they were once so into, it's simply a matter of wanting to be ahead of the curve in discovering the next big thing. I suppose the thinking is: you can be the very essence of 'cool' if you are part and parcel to establishing things as 'cool.' Yet once they become 'cool' to everyone else, they're no longer 'cool' for the people that are actually 'cool.'

Make no mistake about it, this type of behavior is an impediment to interpersonal communication. I remember trying to share a Youtube video with a friend--apparently many months after it had gone viral--and rather than precipitating mutual enjoyment, it merely provoked elitist ambivalence: 'Meh, you're just seeing this now, dude?' It's the WHAT, not the WHEN that should really matter, no? What's this guy, an Indian? Thinks he's got it going bossanova.

We're all guilty of it at one point or another--I know I've been blogging about it since way before blogging even got all played out. But we could at least become more consciously aware of the phenomenon when it compels us to race out and by the hippest new toy. Do we really even want that new toy to begin with? And imagine if there were similar societal

compulsions to be the first in your social network to donate blood or to participate in radical new charities. Can't it be a badge of honor for people to wait in impossibly long lines to do good for others, instead of to just lap up the annual incarnation of Apple's incrementally-stunted superfluousness?

It's clearly a lot easier to be the first to consume than the first to produce, so I won't be holding my breath. In the meantime, I'll just let the Early Adopters weed out all of the completely useless fads so that I have something worthwhile to enjoy when I'm riding around on my Segway listening to my Mini-disc player.

Jadakiss and Tell

I recently had the opportunity to spend time with hip-hop impresario, Jadakiss. It was a time that I'll never forget. Pure class and positive energy. He was modeling shirts for a fashion line produced by one of my dearest friends. I don't often think about clothes...but when I do I prefer it to be SirReal Fashion...Via Art and Style. That's what I really dig about this company: they create

high-quality, wearable art for people that don't want to be dominated by fashion and that don't want to spend $100 on a T-shirt. I've seen their threads in stores everywhere from NYC to SF. It's really refreshing to witness the realization of a good friend's entrepreneurial vision, which is the reason why I'm posting this today: it's never too late to follow your own vision and do your own thing. It's all just a matter of having enough determination and motivation. Take this blog, for example. They said it could never be done, but with a little stick-to-itiveness I'm now averaging no less than 10 hits a day! Suck on that HuffPo and TMZ!!!

You too can be a part of the SirReal movement: check 'em out on Facebook and Twitter.