Monday, December 5, 2011

Facebook Etiquette (Or Lack Thereof)

Since Facebook has become a necessary evil pervading every facet of contemporary culture, I feel it a moral imperative to share with everyone a laundry list of content-related complaints about what contributes to the site's free-floating atrociousness. We're all guilty of this incredibly egocentric behavior at one time or another, but just remember: it's never too late to change, people. We can all work together to make Facebook a better place for future generations to 'like.'

Relationship Issues... Thanks to a wildly inappropriate status update, I recently noticed that a distant acquaintance went through a rather messy, unfortunate divorce. If you really feel the need to air your dirty laundry in the most public forum imaginable, I suggest running a clothesline across Canal street;

a far more appropriate locale, with much greater proximity to the migrant workers that actually care about your soiled undergarments, if only for the purposes of one-hour martinizing.

Gym Posts... Am I supposed to sleep soundly tonight knowing that you spent the evening lightly jogging on a treadmill like a drunken hamster? If you feel the need to validate your daily workout regimen by shouting it out in front of a bunch of people that you haven't talked to directly in years, you probably should just continue being the lazy piece of shit that we already assume you to be. I wonder if everyone else on your friends list is hoping that you tweak a hamstring on the elliptical, you impossibly self-centered 24-hour fitnarcissist.

Celebrity Sightings... If it's a real A-List type that you spent an evening playing pinochle with, maybe I could understand. But the profoundly menial C-list encounters dominating the 'Book

defy logic. Here's a helpful primer: if you hung out with Alec, it could be sharable--particularly if you spent time pranking his adolescent daughter. If it was Billy, keep it to yourself. And if you're legitimately toying with the notion of posting an encounter with Stephen Baldwin, please also toy with the notion of jumping off of something very tall.

Travel Itineraries...I'm sure you've all seen a similar post: LAX-->JFK. Just because you're giving out your flight schedule doesn't mean anyone gives a flying fuck in return. How can this

information possibly be of any worth to anyone save the internet-savvy criminals who are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to rob you blind while you're sipping overpriced cocktails in a 3rd world paradise, strategically cordoned off from surrounding locals who would want to do just the same if only they had internet access.

Celebrity Death Posts... I GOT IT UP FIRST! No you didn't, you morbid donkey donut. We all have the Internet, and so we all know the very moment that any person of any consequence flatlines. It's so tragically inappropriate to use Facebook to satisfy this dark desire to spread news of death...that's what Twitter is for, you insensitive moron!

Excessive Pictures of Yourself Taken in Front of a Mirror... Exacerbated greatly by inexplicably asinine poses in said pictures.

Public Displays of Affection in the Facebook Realm... For the undying love of Christ, could you please do us all the following favor: turn 90 degrees to your right (or left) and whisper

those same tender sweet-nothings into the ear of your loved one and leave us the fuck out of it! It's not any less annoying on the web than it is in real life.

Conspicuous Consumption... Nothing exposes the inherent emptiness of rampant materialism so much as people's incessant need to Facebrag about their latest purchases. They're so incredibly satisfied with their new trinket or useless gadget that
they feel compelled to let near-strangers know all about it. Am I supposed to be happy for you?

Cause I just want it to break, quickly & into as many pieces as possible.

Scantily Clad Pictures of Dudes... Please don't. Not even girls want to see your chest-hair--and if they do, it's only to judge wether you have more or less than they do.

Daily Chores...If it sucks to do them, imagine how much more it sucks to have to read about you doing them?

Religion... If you're not supposed to discuss it a dinner party, why is it anymore acceptable on what is essentially an online dinner party where everyone you have ever known is invited? What would Jesus 'like?' To be left the fuck off of your Facebook wall, for one. Christ!

Personal Revelations Best Left Between You and Your Psychiatrist... "I Hate Men," you say? If you've got some serious skeletons in your closet, you should probably keep them locked up.

Unless, of course, you're hot and making a public declaration of your newfound which case, post away!

General Displays of Anger/Complaints... Get specific or get out. "I hate Wednesdays?" What the shit is that supposed to mean? If you're continually getting shat upon on the same day of every week, chances are it's not the day's fault. Let us in on the juicy details so that we are better equipped to make fun of your misery.

Trivial Proclamations... As earth-shattering as it might be to announce to your extended cyber-community that it's now the weekend, everyone on Facebook is already well-aware of this fact...because they've spent majority of their workweek reading through redundant status updates.

Moronic Observations... Although this brushes up on the well staked-out territory of trivial proclamations, the former merely leave us scratching our heads, whereas these nuggets of nitwittity make us all collectively stupider for having read them.

Inside Jokes (Unrelated to Nicolas Cage)... If you're referring to something that only has relevance to a handful of people, you should probably confine the comments to that specific group of people. Revolutionary, I know. If you're alluding obscurely to the ironic genius of Nicolas Cage, however, please disregard the aforementioned suggestion.

Sports/Concert Posts While AT the Event... The great Ram Das said it best: Be Here Now. If you were enjoying the event as much as your status update claims, than you'd actually be paying attention to what was happening...and NOT updating your status!

Grammatical Trainwrecks... If your ability to spell and/or write is shaky at best (and
borderline retarded at worst), how are we supposed to read and/or care about your indecipherable musings?

Conversely, there are a number of key elements that, if used more frequently, could dramatically improve the overall Facebook experience. Please observe:

Interesting Facts/Tidbits,
Posing Polarizing Questions/Polls,
Sharing Art of Any Kind,
Crazy Incidents Resulting in Injury and/or Disfigurement
Disgusting Displays of Vulgarity
Graphic Female Nudity
Intentionally Incendiary Remarks (Including, but not limited to, racism and/or fart jokes)
Corporate Secrets
Novelty News
Planting the Seeds of Widespread Revolution

Facebook has never been anything more than the content of which we generate--in its entirety. Together, we can all make it a more enjoyable, entertaining and scintillating site for everyone. Be the status change update you want to see in the world!

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