Monday, February 7, 2011

The Pliny Premiere

Beer is absolutely delicious. Nobody would try to deny that. But imagine if you could find a beer that is more delicious than any other beer on the planet? If you live in northern California, you don't need to imagine because according to a global consensus the world's best beer comes from a microbrewery in Santa Rosa called Russian River Brewing Company.

Meet Pliny the Younger. According to Beer Advocate, this libation--brewed for only a few short weeks in February--is the undisputed king. Like the New York Giants of Beer. Rated even higher than the prestigious Westvleteren 12, a belgian ale that Trappist monks have had several celibate centuries to perfect. Russian River Brewmaster Vinny Cilurzo has only had about a decade to attain this same level of perfection and he didn't even have to give up sex in order to do it--in fact he has a very lovely wife.

Pliny the Elder is readily available here in the Bay Area throughout the year. It is without question the best Double IPA the universe has ever seen. Subtle hints of grapefruit and other sublime citrus notes balance out a complex flavor that dances on your palate in a delicate pirouette of divinity. I am drinking one right now, and I hope you are too. The Younger brother only goes on tap for a limited time however and has garnered quite the cult following in recent years. It's like The Elder on performance enhancing drugs. Everything that makes the Elder so insanely delectable and well-balanced is jacked-up a notch in The Younger, a Triple IPA

I thought I was being soooo clever when I went up to Santa Rosa on the day of PtY's premiere. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by a throng of thousands that looked precisely like this:

People were waiting upwards of 4 hours to get into the bar and have a first lick at this masterful creation. I had to tug at some serious connections in order to get a backdoor entrance after only a mere hour of waiting. After all, if you're going for the backdoor you have to wait until the moment is juuusst right. Sorry for the buttsex humor. I just had to squeeze it in there.

So anyhow, we make it inside and it was like stepping into Shangri La. Ten ounce pours of Pliny are being disseminated by the hundreds. I took my spot at the bar and probably did not move more than a few yards for the next 8 hours. After that, any movement was a stumble at best. This is what happens when you start throwing back a Triple IPA which is nearly 11% alcohol. Each one is equal to about 3 bullshit beers.

Since this blog is dedicated to 'anything under the sun that's fucking awesome' I must disclose to you that this bar is also known for two other reasons: Pizza Bites and cheap hookers. Okay, I was just joking about the hookers part--when girls drink this much booze they almost always forget to charge. The Pizza Bites however are like less than 10$ for a large pizza that is cut down in to small bites. Topped with pepperoni and pepperoncini, the spice and fat is perfectly engineered to slice through the bitter hoppiness that dominates Plinies Younger and Elder. Incidentally, spice and fat is also a hallmark of cheap hookers.

Uh oh. This bar's almost getting too famous. Now they're on the evening news? After drinking this much booze, the last thing I need is to have network television cameras around. I'm glad they didn't interview me because I have absolutely no idea what would have slurred out of my mouth at a time like that. Oh yeah, now I remember. And now that I think of it, I was hoping this post would have more abortion jokes. After all, it's never too soon for a good abortion joke. In fact, it's usually just a little bit too late. Have you ever noticed that drunk driving is a little bit like abortion? Nobody wants to advocate it, but even if you're against it, you know you have done it at least a few times. Alcohol is usually the catalyst for both. There's not a lot of mass transportation heading towards or away from Santa Rosa, California. So if you didn't plan ahead with a designated driver, let me recommend for the future that people with crippling and debilitating alcoholism always make good ones. We all know how messy it can get when these people drink, so they best stay sober. They also can provide you with countless anecdotes of how alcohol ruined their lives while you are getting increasingly shitfaced. Now THAT'S entertainment people. If you are gonna drive drunk though I suggest staying on major highways and steering clear--literally-- of schools and/or hospitals. Remember, just as many people get pulled over drunk for driving too SLOW as too FAST. So don't be afraid to step on that accelerator a little bit.


Up Next: Guilt-Free Recreational Drug Use

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