Anger into Action

Occupy Wall Street--the rapidly expanding movement that has grown out of lower Manhattan over the past few weeks--has received a fair share of derision at the hands of the MSM. The most common gripe seems to be that protestors lack leadership and any clear goals or agenda. Well, for one: they do. But perhaps more compelling is simply their snowballing presence and strengthening resonance throughout the cultural landscape. They are nothing less than a physical manifestation of the colossal unrest and free-floating anger that pervades contemporary society. This huge amorphous blob of dissatisfaction is entirely threatening to the establishment because it can easily be sculpted into something far more concrete and revolutionary, but ONLY if the Powers That Be aren't able to contain it in its fledgling phases.

In the name of promoting traction, here is one very easy vow that can and should become a mantra for these hoarded masses of unhappy citizens: Vote.

That's right. An easy to perform task that some would even refer to as civic duty. It's only going to take an hour or two--at most--out of your entire year, and judging by the fact that you've been camping out in downtown Manhattan for the past few weeks, I think you can fit it into your busy schedule. SO FUCKING DO IT!

But here's the catch--DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE VOTE FOR ANY CANDIDATE THAT HAS ANY SORT OF CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP WHATSOEVER.

The increasing mess that we find ourselves in today (namely a disturbing disparity between mega-rich and everyone else) is wholly a function of the revolving door between Big Business and Big Politics. Businesses spoon-feed political campaigns--hedging their bets by doubling down on both sides of the aisle. Politicians, GOPs and DEMs alike, respond by looking out for their donors. It's not Rocket Science, it's elementary logic--you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

In Journalism any publisher will tell you about the supreme importance of a firewall that exists between advertising and editorial. Without it, you can merely buy yourself press and in so doing sacrifice the integrity that is vital to any reputable news source. In society, business is advertising and politics is editorial, yet we have let the firewall between the two erode entirely. And how do you think that has affected the integrity of our beloved institutions?

Our only hope of ever breaking this vicious cycle is to support--exclusively--candidates that don't owe anything to corporate sponsorship. And thanks to modern technology (i.e. the Internet) we can do the research necessary to find these outliers, no matter how obscure or under-advertised they may seem. Obscurity is obsolete in this day and age, so let's start taking advantage of that fact. It is profoundly asinine that our society continually refuses to entertain the viability of a 3rd party option.

If I loved Coca-Cola but then one day the flavor unexpectedly changed and started sucking ass, I'd strongly consider giving Pepsi a try. So now I'm all setup with Pepsi, but then--wouldn't you know it-- Pepsi started sucking shit as well. So maybe once, just once, I'll have the opportunity to try switching back to Coca-Cola again without being viewed as a complete and total imbecile. But how many times can I switch back and forth between these, and ONLY these two sucky options before friends and loved ones would consider having me committed? It's a pretty simple point, America: give RC Cola a chance already, won't you? It's really not that bad. Just because you've never seen a commercial for them doesn't mean it's not fantastically refreshing. Fuck, even go with Polar

Cola if you want--true, their soda tastes like asshole, but they have a super cool website.

Why do we INSIST upon pigeon-holing ourselves within the most restrictive boxes imaginable? WHY!?

Some 20th century pseudo-intellectual named Albert Ein-something (a moron, relatively speaking) famously defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Doesn't anyone notice this? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

Let's all come together, Occupiers, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, Socialists--we all want the same thing: a fair shake at a happy life for ourselves and our families. So why not combine our efforts against the common enemy and make the fragmenting, disempowering terms REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT as obsolete as they are non-productive. Now THAT would be a movement you can bet your ass would make Wall Street and Washington tremble.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

"Even though I never met him, I'm feeling the loss of Steve Jobs on a very personal level."

If u bought $500 worth of Apple the day that Forrest Gump came out, it'd be worth $30,226 today.

It would be impossible to go through a single day in modern society without using a device innovated by Steve Jobs.

**Best Burger Bulletin**

The following compilation of the Country’s Best Burgers is the DEFINITIVE, know-all-end-all list. In fact, you will never have to seek out another list for hamburgers for as long as you live. After years of cross country travel I have assembled the following 25 spots from all around America and smooshed them down into one consolidated resource so that you don’t have to think about such controversial matters ever again. Instead you can spend your time worrying about stupid things, like where the best hot dogs can be found. I don’t know hot dogs, but I DO know Hamburgers...That being said, this was the hardest list to rank, EVER...because it had to be completely, 100% accurate. The only rule was that popular chain locations had to be omitted, so don’t be insulted In n’ Out and 5 Guys fanatics...You are great and all, but only when McDonalds and Burger King are used as a basis of comparison. Enjoy...

25.) Pearl’s Deluxe Burgers 708 Post Street SF, CA 94109 (415) 409-6120

San Francisco’s favorite greasy-spoon diner delight offers an array of bitching burgers. The go-to has got to be the Spicy Sly, featuring spicy pumpkin-habanero sauce and topped with grilled peppers and spicy Jack cheese. Upgrade the patty to Kobe-status for a few bucks more worth of delectability.

24.) Rocky’s Crown Pub 3786 Ingraham Street San Diego, CA 92109 (858) 273-9140

The best pub style burger in the West. Simple, greasy and to the point. Surf’s up.

23.) Grüner 527 SW 12th Avenue Portland, OR 97205 (503) 241-7163

Portland has really come up in the food scene and their Grüner Burger is the best the city has to offer. A juicy delight of salty, savory satisfaction, it’s served on a poppy-seeded potato bun with pickled red onions, aioli, arugula, smoky bacon and melted fontina cheese.

22.) Rustic Canyon 1119 Wilshire Boulevard, SaMo, CA 90401 (310) 393-7050

Often voted Los Angeles’ best, the Breakfast Burger is 8 ounces of organic, Niman Ranch beef spruced up with thick cut bacon confit (that’s cooked in frickin’ duck fat), sharp cheddar, a fried egg and arugula, nestled into a perfectly-toasted Rockenwagner brioche.

21.) Shake Shack 11 Madison Avenue # 1, New York (212) 889-6600

Danny Meyer’s chain of high-end, fast-food style burgers has taken over Manhattan in the past few years. The patties are thin, yet still juicy and they may or may not contain crack, considering the unfathomable lines that people put up with in waiting for one. If you’re gonna wait, why not go for the best? The ‘Shroom Burger is a psychedelic treat that boasts a breaded, deep-fried portobello mushroom stuffed with Meunster and cheddar cheese. Heady.

20.) Blazer Burger 440 RT 22 North Salem, NY 10560 (914) 277-4424

Full disclosure: I grew up on the Celsus Burger served here so I’m a little biased. But even the most impartial observer would understand the intoxicating combination of coarse, fatty ground beef, seared to perfection on a fresh kaiser roll with crisped bacon, greasy-grilled onions and meticulously-melted swiss. Home is whenever I’m with you.

19.) Kua ‘Aina 1200 Ala Moana Blvd # 665, Honolulu, HI - (808) 591-9133

Huge, juicy beef patty, fluffy buns, and superb add-ons such as grilled pineapple and fresh avocado. I gotta get back to the island! Aloha no ka oi!

18.) Corner Bistro 331 West 4th Street New York, NY 10014 (212) 242-9502

The best pub style burger in New York is also the best value anywhere in Manhattan--by far. For around 10$ you can enjoy a decent beer and a greasy, coarsely ground, no frills bacon cheeseburger. Not organic, not fancy, just damn tasty.

17.) Squeeze Inn 5301 Power Inn Rd Sacramento, CA 95820 (916) 386-8599

Yes, the burger itself is very tasty and pretty large as well. But what makes this place stand out is their unique style of applying a large sheet of cheese--eclipsing the patty itself--and allowing it to fry to a satisfying crisp on the griddle.

16.) Village Whisky 118 So. 20th Street Philadelphia, PA 19103 (215) 665-1088

Philadelphia is a city that likes to eat. When your claim to fame is obesity, you know you must be doing something right when it comes to food. The Whisky King is their Rocky of burgers. Using naturally raised Maine beef--seasoned sensationally--and topped with oregon bleu cheese, applewood smoked bacon and seared foie gras, this is the closest feeling an Eagle’s fan can get to the unmitigated joy of seeing their team win a Super Bowl.

15.) Minetta Tavern 113 MacDougal St. NY, NY 10012 Bleecker St. 212-475-3850

Made with Pat La Frieda’s peerless Black Label ground beef blend, this hip Greenwich Village eatery can get away with charging close to $30 for a hamburger cause it’s just that damn delicious.

14.) 900 Grayson 900 Grayson St Berkeley, CA 94710 (510) 704-9900

Berkeley has many good burgers but none as good as the Grayson Burger. Using natural, organic beef and triple-smoked bacon is a good start. Adding a touch of house made BBQ sauce and a slew of fried onion strings puts it over the top.

13.) Kuma’s Corner 2900 West Belmont Avenue Chi, IL 60618 (773) 604-8769

This Metal Bar names most of their burgers after Heavy Metal legends. Whereas I will always be partial to Led Zeppelin, here I go with the original Kuma, featuring bacon, cheddar and a fried egg atop an impossibly large 10 oz. patty and sandwiched in between a rugged, salted pretzel roll.

12.) 5-8 Club 5800 Cedar Avenue So. Minneapolis, MN 55417 (612) 823-5858

The Juicy Lucy was made popular here. Your choice of cheese melted in a molten core INSIDE of the patty. Be careful when you bit into it, you might get scalded by deliciousness.

11.) Sparky’s BBQ 115 FRANKLIN ST. HATCH, New Mexico 575.267.4222

Green Hatch Chile Burger. A New Mexican sensation, and nothing like it anywhere else.

10.) Burger Bar 3930 Las Vegas Blvd So. #121A Las Vegas, NV 89119 (702) 632-9364

This place is all about choices. All-star chef Hubert Keller delivers the goods in a variety of high-end kobe beef, buffalo and turkey meat and lets you choose from a list of amazing add-ons, such as lobster tails or even black truffles. Build your own masterpiece.

9.) Peter Luger 178 Broadway Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 387-7400

The undisputed heavyweight champion of New York Steakhouses also makes a damn good burger during the afternoon. No surprises, as the Luger Burger uses some of their world-famous porterhouse in the chuck. The brioche is fresh and delicious and the bacon is thick cut and sinful enough to terrify the hordes of hassidim that populate the surrounding neighborhood.

8.) Le Tub 1100 North Ocean Drive Hollywood, FL 33019 (954) 921-9425

This Key-West style dive bar makes you wait upwards of an hour for what has got to be the biggest pub-style burger I’ve ever eaten. Nearly 3/4th a pound of beef that is the perfect blend of salty, savory and juicy.

7.) Spruce 3640 Sacramento Street SF, CA 94118-1710 (415) 931-5100

San Francisco’s best is brought to life with perfectly seared ground chuck and house-made pickles and pickled onions.

6.) Umami Burger 850 South La Brea Avenue, Los Angeles -(323) 931-3000

LA’s obsession with this popular series of burger joints is well-founded. The Manly Burger packs so much flavor in between the bun, it’s ri-goddamn-diculous. Bacon lardon, beer-cheddar cheese and smoked onion strings will help with that. This burger is many things, but unfortunately it is not oversized.

5.) Holeman & Finch 2277 Peachtree Road NE#B ATL-GA 30309 (404) 948-1175

This stylish Atlanta gastropub only serves around 20 of these masterful double-cheeseburgers every night at around 9:30, at the ringing of a bell. Don’t miss out. It’s like an In-n-Out double double on some serious Barry Bonds juice.

4.) Radius 8 High Street Boston, MA 02110 (617) 426-1234

Boston’s boss of burgers is the Radius Burger--a 9 oz. patty perfectly engineered by renowned chef Michael Shlow to seal in the juiciness of the beef: lightly char the exterior on a grill before placing the burger into a salamander so that it doesn’t dry out. Top it with cheddar cheese, mild horse-radish and a healthy dose of crispy fried onions...Proceed to devour.

3.) DB Bistro 55 W. 44th St., New York, NY 10036 212-391-2400

The World’s Original Gourmet Burger is $32, which is actually a value when you consider that it’s stuffed--gloriously--with savory, braised short ribs and seared foie gras. When introduced in 2001, The DB Burger elevated hamburgers to a whole new stratosphere. It’s no less delicious now than it was then.

2.) Spotted Pig 314 West 11th Street New York, NY 10014-2369 (212) 620-0393

The best burger in New York is all about the best meat--like steak on a bun...a cross-charred, buttered brioche bun. Made with an insane amount of pungent blue cheese and served with an even more insane amount of outstanding rosemary garlic shoestring fries.

1.) Father’s Office 1018 Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA (310) 736-2224

The top of this list was by far the easiest choice. The first-rate FO Burger is a proprietary blend of aged ribeye smothered in a heavenly compote of bacon and caramelized onion reduction with gruyere and maytag blue melted on top. Absolute perfection. No condiments allowed (much to Mike's chagrin).

Well, there you have it. Think anything is missing, or that this list is fundamentally flawed? Well, I think you're fundamentally flawed. But this is America, damnit, so feel free to chime in...

**Never Forget**

There's always hope for a better tomorrow.

Unlike that misguided attempt at charity that we all remember from earlier in the month, this is TRUE ALTRUISM and if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye then you might just be a heartless monster. Every now and then, or almost every day really, we need some small measure of kindness to help restore our faith in humanity. Hopefully this video helps you with this for at least a moment or two.

Beware the Chupacabra!

What's more frightening: the legends of a mysterious, goat-mutilating creature roaming parts of Southern Texas and Mexico, or the reality of a 13-year-old boy with access to a lethal firearm readily available?

You decide. But if the artful rendering of this notorious beast is any indicator of how vicious and dexterous it might be, I'm going with the 13-year-old with the rifle.

That's right son, you show that sickly coyote who's boss. Incidentally the Chupacabra has its own theme song that might be even more terrifying than the creature itself:

Of course there's also been sightings of other unexplained entities in nearby Alabama:

Which brings us to the moral of today's story: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE SOUTH. If you want Waffle House that badly there's one in Middletown, Delaware, a good 50 miles north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

**Mindless Memes**

Wikipedia defines a meme as "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture." Kind of like the meme of altruism. Oh wait, scratch that...helping other people--not just for shameless-self promotion, but for the sake of actually doing good, would never catch on, although it does make for a particularly poignant commercial if you're a multi-billion dollar insurance company:

But I'm talking about things that are really important, and that spread through the cultural landscape like wildfire. Y'know, like planking: lying face-down, motionless and completely oblivious to your surroundings. Yet how is that any different from what you do everyday as a citizen in this post-modern world? Where is the novelty in that, let alone the creativity? How many rhetorical questions can I ask in a single paragraph?

In all seriousness though, this is one of the most mindless fads to sweep the internet in ages. It hasn't been funny since Tom Greene did it in the mid-90s and it is so vastly unoriginal and uninspiring that even the morons who popularized it are moving on to bigger and better things...like owling. Thanks, Hilary Duff--you're totally socially relevant again (and your husband looks thrilled)! Pure genius.

Just imagine if you were an advanced form of extraterrestrial life, here to observe mankind before deciding wether or not to establish contact with our species. As soon as you saw a trend of people trying to outdo one another by perching themselves on ledges in an increasingly precarious manner, you would pack it up and take the next hyperspeed shuttle back to your home planet, without thinking twice. The real scary thing is that we are now encouraged by the internet to replicate the same action that everyone else is doing, no matter how inane or non-clever that action may be, just so that we can get in on a fad. What we're actually doing is promoting an environment which squashes innovation and promotes blind, mind-numbing repetition. Pavlov has just rung your bell.

Personally, I'd like to advocate throning. That's the new fad where you just sit in a chair of your choosing and look all regal--like a king. There's not much to it, but that's the whole point. Just because it's easy doesn't meant that you can't perfect it, as this awesome gentleman plainly demonstrates. And guess what, if you happen to perish while attempting these lemming-like stunts of stupidity, you are doing humanity a tremendous favor. At least natural selection has found one small way to infiltrate modern society in an earnest attempt to improve the gene pool. And speaking of pools, make sure to check out another internet sensation making the rounds: Leisure Diving. At least this one is actually cool to look at, and probably increases the risk of catastrophic injury. G'day mate.

**Daily Dose of Douche: Flaming Edition**

Here's the entirely misleading and wholeheartedly erroneous statement that this flaming baggadouche said:

And THIS is how he decided to 'apologize' for it after he was called the FUCK out by MediaMatters:

And don't even think for a second that this was by accident. Faux News has pulled the exact same misinformational maneuver in the past:

I try not to get at all political on this blog as I find both sides to be players in a pathetic sideshow purposefully construed to distract, divide and prevent us from coagulating into a singular, critical mass...But this is NUTS. First off, 16 friends that died that day? Eat a bag of dicks. I am calling total bullshit on that because y'know who worked at the World Trade Center? Jews. Lots of Jews. You know what Jews don't do (aside from getting tattoos and riding motorcycles)? WATCH FOX NEWS...which means they would never befriend a hack

such as yourself to begin with. Furthermore, if you did in fact have dear friends die on that day, shouldn't that be as good a reason as any to not forget the tragic events that happened on September 11th, 2001, and the disturbing events that led up to it? Which is exactly what you did, just 72 hours ago, on national television for all to see. But now you choose to turn the story around to blame the 'petty' factcheckers with their factual facts and all? Guess what's not petty, being a journalist and reporting truthful information in a straightforward manner. That's the very nature of your job and if you can't handle it without cowering and whining like a bratty schoolchild, than perhaps you should consider another line of work more suited to your skill set...like fluffing. Remember the name: Eric Bolling, because no matter how unimaginably irrelevant he really is in this world, he is a 10 pounds of flaming douche in a 9 pound bag. If you wanna spread around mistruths that's your business, just don't do it under the guise of 'journalism.' Shame on you, sir. And your entire organization, for that matter...as more and more comes to light about News. Corps' wholly unethical tactics.