**Fox News Declares Race for Romney**

This just in: Fair and Balanced bastion of all things reputable, Fox News, has officially declared Mitt Romney victorious in today's presidential election. The update came in at roughly 7AM EST, just moments after polls opened across much of the Eastern seaboard. Viewed as a complete surprise by many pundits who had for months anticipated a tightly-contested race, Fox analysts seemed unsurprised by the results.

"With as much as .000009 percent of precincts reporting in the bellwether states of South Carolina and Georgia, it's a no brainer that Romney has this thing locked," said former GOP Strategist and guardian of Satan's minions, Karl Rove. "Many other networks are going to try and claim they called it first, but if you look back at the record you'll clearly see that we had this thing pegged as early as January 21st 2009," Rove added before hastily retreating into the smoldering vortex of an eternally-damned dimension. 

Staff Photo

Others were not so convinced. Nate Silver, the notoriously maligned prognosticator of probability, furiously questioned Fox's methodology which purportedly involved watching old episodes of Hee Haw while flipping a coin featuring the Republican candidate on both sides. "Sure, the coin produced results in line with their eventual conclusion," Silver was quick to note, "but how many times did they flip that coin? And I doubt they took into account the variances on the central limit theorem proposed by 19th Century Russian mathematician Aleksandr Lyapunov. How can you ignore something so obvious? It's plain as day!"

Regular Fox News contributor and failed reality star Sarah Palin defended her employer, emphatically assuring the cynics that, "although I don't speak a lick of Russian, I still can see Putin's ugly head rearing up over the jungles of Alaska." 

Although unable to establish the relevance of her curious comment in regards to the Romney projection, she ultimately praised the merits of calling a winner mere seconds after polls opened, citing, "what with Jesus and freedom, and all." She's well aware of her network's insatiable veracity: a Fox survey from earlier this year placed her ahead of the future president, 70% to his 60%.

Back to the Drawing Board

By press time most skeptics had been silenced by Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple, who in speaking openly for the first time, reminded the public that Fox News has indeed been, "infallible since the dawn of man." The inexplicable laryngeal prominence then went on to inadvertently accuse 'Miss' Coulter of being a self-loathing transgendered male.

With the indisputable results now certified, talking heads were at last able to stray away from the horse-race, shifting focus to more pressing domestic matters. Shortly before 8AM, the ever-cerebral hosts of the award-winning Fox & Friends Comedy Hour--who famously moonlight as MIT astrophysicists--began discussing wether President Romney would be defeating Senator Clinton or Governor Cuomo in his upcoming 2016 reelection bid.

Is Our Children Learning?

Breaking: Start of the 2016 Presidential Campaign

Run--don't walk--to the polls. And be happy that after today you won't have to hear a word about presidential campaigning until about halfway through 2013, when Christ Christie vs. Andrew Cuomo really starts to heat up! It promises to be a horse race of epic proportions...

**Daily Dose of Douche: Flaming Edition**

Here's the entirely misleading and wholeheartedly erroneous statement that this flaming baggadouche said:

And THIS is how he decided to 'apologize' for it after he was called the FUCK out by MediaMatters:

And don't even think for a second that this was by accident. Faux News has pulled the exact same misinformational maneuver in the past:

I try not to get at all political on this blog as I find both sides to be players in a pathetic sideshow purposefully construed to distract, divide and prevent us from coagulating into a singular, critical mass...But this is NUTS. First off, 16 friends that died that day? Eat a bag of dicks. I am calling total bullshit on that because y'know who worked at the World Trade Center? Jews. Lots of Jews. You know what Jews don't do (aside from getting tattoos and riding motorcycles)? WATCH FOX NEWS...which means they would never befriend a hack

such as yourself to begin with. Furthermore, if you did in fact have dear friends die on that day, shouldn't that be as good a reason as any to not forget the tragic events that happened on September 11th, 2001, and the disturbing events that led up to it? Which is exactly what you did, just 72 hours ago, on national television for all to see. But now you choose to turn the story around to blame the 'petty' factcheckers with their factual facts and all? Guess what's not petty, being a journalist and reporting truthful information in a straightforward manner. That's the very nature of your job and if you can't handle it without cowering and whining like a bratty schoolchild, than perhaps you should consider another line of work more suited to your skill set...like fluffing. Remember the name: Eric Bolling, because no matter how unimaginably irrelevant he really is in this world, he is a 10 pounds of flaming douche in a 9 pound bag. If you wanna spread around mistruths that's your business, just don't do it under the guise of 'journalism.' Shame on you, sir. And your entire organization, for that matter...as more and more comes to light about News. Corps' wholly unethical tactics.