**Fox News Declares Race for Romney**

This just in: Fair and Balanced bastion of all things reputable, Fox News, has officially declared Mitt Romney victorious in today's presidential election. The update came in at roughly 7AM EST, just moments after polls opened across much of the Eastern seaboard. Viewed as a complete surprise by many pundits who had for months anticipated a tightly-contested race, Fox analysts seemed unsurprised by the results.

"With as much as .000009 percent of precincts reporting in the bellwether states of South Carolina and Georgia, it's a no brainer that Romney has this thing locked," said former GOP Strategist and guardian of Satan's minions, Karl Rove. "Many other networks are going to try and claim they called it first, but if you look back at the record you'll clearly see that we had this thing pegged as early as January 21st 2009," Rove added before hastily retreating into the smoldering vortex of an eternally-damned dimension. 

Staff Photo

Others were not so convinced. Nate Silver, the notoriously maligned prognosticator of probability, furiously questioned Fox's methodology which purportedly involved watching old episodes of Hee Haw while flipping a coin featuring the Republican candidate on both sides. "Sure, the coin produced results in line with their eventual conclusion," Silver was quick to note, "but how many times did they flip that coin? And I doubt they took into account the variances on the central limit theorem proposed by 19th Century Russian mathematician Aleksandr Lyapunov. How can you ignore something so obvious? It's plain as day!"

Regular Fox News contributor and failed reality star Sarah Palin defended her employer, emphatically assuring the cynics that, "although I don't speak a lick of Russian, I still can see Putin's ugly head rearing up over the jungles of Alaska." 

Although unable to establish the relevance of her curious comment in regards to the Romney projection, she ultimately praised the merits of calling a winner mere seconds after polls opened, citing, "what with Jesus and freedom, and all." She's well aware of her network's insatiable veracity: a Fox survey from earlier this year placed her ahead of the future president, 70% to his 60%.

Back to the Drawing Board

By press time most skeptics had been silenced by Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple, who in speaking openly for the first time, reminded the public that Fox News has indeed been, "infallible since the dawn of man." The inexplicable laryngeal prominence then went on to inadvertently accuse 'Miss' Coulter of being a self-loathing transgendered male.

With the indisputable results now certified, talking heads were at last able to stray away from the horse-race, shifting focus to more pressing domestic matters. Shortly before 8AM, the ever-cerebral hosts of the award-winning Fox & Friends Comedy Hour--who famously moonlight as MIT astrophysicists--began discussing wether President Romney would be defeating Senator Clinton or Governor Cuomo in his upcoming 2016 reelection bid.

Is Our Children Learning?

Breaking: Start of the 2016 Presidential Campaign

Run--don't walk--to the polls. And be happy that after today you won't have to hear a word about presidential campaigning until about halfway through 2013, when Christ Christie vs. Andrew Cuomo really starts to heat up! It promises to be a horse race of epic proportions...

Global Warming Is Totally A Hoax

Hurricanes kick it with blizzards like all the time. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with human-induced climate change. In fact, if there is anyone to blame, I'd have to say that it's President Obama. He knew about this Frankenstorm all along and refused to warn ANY OF US! 'Why?' You might ask? Because he hates us all, duh! Now let's all just hide our hands firmly back in the sand until this monster of a storm passes over the more than 60 million people whose lives and property are threatened.

Two-Party Tyranny

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"I wonder if we'll ever wake up to the sad reality that we exist, confined in cells of our design."

**Sarah Palin Is An Awful Human Being**

The sooner you accept this fact, the greater of an American Patriot you will become.

**Breaking News: Supreme Court to Overturn 'Obamacare' 5-4**

In what is sure to be one the most landmark rulings in recent American history, the Supreme Court is set to strike down the individual mandate by a familiar 5-4 margin later this week. Sources close to Justices Scalia and Thomas have confirmed that after today's arguments, the decision is all but guaranteed. What this means to Obamacare at large remains uncertain at this time, but what is certain is that one of the current administration's crowning achievements has been dealt a major setback.

Concern arose shortly after the bill's passage almost two years ago regarding the constitutionality of requiring American citizen's to purchase health insurance. According to the two sources with detailed knowledge of the deliberation process, lawyers representing the Affordable Care Act--namely, Solicitor General Donald Verrilli--failed to support their case sufficiently.  As a result, conservative Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Roberts, Thomas and Alito had already made up their minds by later in the afternoon.

It is highly unorthodox for sitting Justices to openly discuss a case with outsiders while still in deliberation. Apparently, however, Scalia and Thomas were so confident and adamant in their conviction that this particular piece of legislation be struck down, that they were willing to part ways with hundreds of years of unshakeable impartiality to serve their own transparent agenda.  

Stay tuned for more updates to this controversial story as it develops...

**Natural Gas Could Fuel Your Car at $1/Gallon**

Billionaire energy investor T. Boone Pickens says that he fills up his Honda Civic for under $15 bucks using domestic fuel that we all could be using today.  Should we listen, or is it all a bunch of hot air?

**Obama's Senseless War On Drugs**

"For law-enforcement officials who handle marijuana on the front lines, such attitudes highlight how out of touch the administration has become. "Whether you call it medical or recreational, the marijuana genie is out of the bottle, and there's no one who's going to put it back in," insists Sheriff Allman of Mendocino, whose department had been targeted by federal prosecutors for its attempts to regulate medical pot. "For federal officials who plug their ears and say, 'No, it's not true, it's not true,' I have some words for them: You need to get over it."

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obamas-war-on-pot-20120216#ixzz1ma6PrPwL

If you find Obama's two-sided duplicity on this issue to be outrageous and completely illogical, I highly suggest writing to the President to tell him the significance of this type of flip-flopping during an election year.

It's just takes a couple of clicks and a minute of your time to make your voice heard.

Thank you oh Wise and Venerable Internet.

**STOP SOPA NOW**

Stop SOPA before it stops you! If you don't understand why this legislation is fundamentally flawed, you are not alone. Watch and learn:

It's so easy to stand up for what's right here. A few simple clicks of the mouse will help prevent encroachment upon our civil liberties which we supposedly hold so dear. The only effective weapon against tyranny is solidarity. Please click here, and tell your local representative that if they vote for this bill, they will not be receiving your vote in November. Or, ya know, just sit down and be tread upon...

Mitt Romney: Serial Killer

The Colbert Report
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**VOTE COLBERT 2012!!!**

**No Reservations**

President Obama's statement on H.R. 1540:

Today I have signed into law H.R. 1540, the "National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2012." I have signed the Act chiefly because it authorizes funding for the defense of the United States and its interests abroad, crucial services for service members and their families, and vital national security programs that must be renewed. In hundreds of separate sections totaling over 500 pages, the Act also contains critical Administration initiatives to control the spiraling health care costs of the Department of Defense (DoD), to develop counterterrorism initiatives abroad, to build the security capacity of key partners, to modernize the force, and to boost the efficiency and effectiveness of military operations worldwide.

President Obama issued a 'signing statement' on 12/31 before he made this bill a law, during which he directly addressed the "serious reservations" he had regarding the possible magnitude of this particular piece of legislation. He has a point: the impending deterioration of the Bill of Rights is somewhat concerning.

If you are STILL are unclear about the ramifications of the NDAA, check out this site for some quality mythbusting.

**The End of America As We Know It**

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING:

RIGHT NOW.

This law (National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, S. 1867) turns America into a battlefield and shreds the founding principles of the United States Constitution by suspending due process. Make no mistake about it, this is the beginning of the end of this fine land. The senate passed it by a margin of 93-7. Think about that for a second...93-7:

"It’s particularly telling that two such seemingly disparate groups of politicians — ostensibly liberal Democrats concerned with the rule of law and ostensibly conservative Republicans concerned with shrinking government — who spent two months disagreeing about whether or not to raise America’s debt ceiling, an ultimately arbitrary and unimportant decision, took less than a week to find consensus on upending the rule of law and radically extending the government’s power."

Liberals, libertarians, and independents alike should all be extraordinarily concerned with what's going on here. Now's one of our last chances to make a stand for the civil liberties that form the core of the Bill of Rights. Let our voices be heard loud and clear: President Obama, if you fail to veto this abhorrent encroachment upon our rights as free citizens, you have NOT A PRAYER of re-election. Tell him now, while there's still a chance. Click here to send him a letter.

And click here to learn more about this legislative abomination and the crooked politicians behind it (hint: his name rhymes with McBane)

Anger into Action

Occupy Wall Street--the rapidly expanding movement that has grown out of lower Manhattan over the past few weeks--has received a fair share of derision at the hands of the MSM. The most common gripe seems to be that protestors lack leadership and any clear goals or agenda. Well, for one: they do. But perhaps more compelling is simply their snowballing presence and strengthening resonance throughout the cultural landscape. They are nothing less than a physical manifestation of the colossal unrest and free-floating anger that pervades contemporary society. This huge amorphous blob of dissatisfaction is entirely threatening to the establishment because it can easily be sculpted into something far more concrete and revolutionary, but ONLY if the Powers That Be aren't able to contain it in its fledgling phases.

In the name of promoting traction, here is one very easy vow that can and should become a mantra for these hoarded masses of unhappy citizens: Vote.

That's right. An easy to perform task that some would even refer to as civic duty. It's only going to take an hour or two--at most--out of your entire year, and judging by the fact that you've been camping out in downtown Manhattan for the past few weeks, I think you can fit it into your busy schedule. SO FUCKING DO IT!

But here's the catch--DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE VOTE FOR ANY CANDIDATE THAT HAS ANY SORT OF CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP WHATSOEVER.

The increasing mess that we find ourselves in today (namely a disturbing disparity between mega-rich and everyone else) is wholly a function of the revolving door between Big Business and Big Politics. Businesses spoon-feed political campaigns--hedging their bets by doubling down on both sides of the aisle. Politicians, GOPs and DEMs alike, respond by looking out for their donors. It's not Rocket Science, it's elementary logic--you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

In Journalism any publisher will tell you about the supreme importance of a firewall that exists between advertising and editorial. Without it, you can merely buy yourself press and in so doing sacrifice the integrity that is vital to any reputable news source. In society, business is advertising and politics is editorial, yet we have let the firewall between the two erode entirely. And how do you think that has affected the integrity of our beloved institutions?

Our only hope of ever breaking this vicious cycle is to support--exclusively--candidates that don't owe anything to corporate sponsorship. And thanks to modern technology (i.e. the Internet) we can do the research necessary to find these outliers, no matter how obscure or under-advertised they may seem. Obscurity is obsolete in this day and age, so let's start taking advantage of that fact. It is profoundly asinine that our society continually refuses to entertain the viability of a 3rd party option.

If I loved Coca-Cola but then one day the flavor unexpectedly changed and started sucking ass, I'd strongly consider giving Pepsi a try. So now I'm all setup with Pepsi, but then--wouldn't you know it-- Pepsi started sucking shit as well. So maybe once, just once, I'll have the opportunity to try switching back to Coca-Cola again without being viewed as a complete and total imbecile. But how many times can I switch back and forth between these, and ONLY these two sucky options before friends and loved ones would consider having me committed? It's a pretty simple point, America: give RC Cola a chance already, won't you? It's really not that bad. Just because you've never seen a commercial for them doesn't mean it's not fantastically refreshing. Fuck, even go with Polar

Cola if you want--true, their soda tastes like asshole, but they have a super cool website.

Why do we INSIST upon pigeon-holing ourselves within the most restrictive boxes imaginable? WHY!?

Some 20th century pseudo-intellectual named Albert Ein-something (a moron, relatively speaking) famously defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Doesn't anyone notice this? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

Let's all come together, Occupiers, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, Socialists--we all want the same thing: a fair shake at a happy life for ourselves and our families. So why not combine our efforts against the common enemy and make the fragmenting, disempowering terms REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT as obsolete as they are non-productive. Now THAT would be a movement you can bet your ass would make Wall Street and Washington tremble.