**THE BEST BURGERS EVER**

Inspired by this awe-inspiring GQ list, which places Budweiser firmly in the ranks of the 50 Greatest Beers on the Planet, I figured I had to create a head-scratching mini-list of my own. This one ranks another of man's great joys: Hamburgers. Now I know I've expertly tackled this subject before at great length, but GQ helped me come to my senses about how elitist and snobbish I once was. I've since learned to embrace the pedestrian nature of our society, and so here now is the result of my style magazine-induced epiphany:

5.) Famous Star w/ Cheese - Carl's Jr. 

This char-broiled, all-beef patty is already a sensory revelation on its own. But when you throw in melted American cheese--the honey boo boo child of the dairy world--then top it with "special" sauce AND mayonnaise before sandwiching it all between a seeded bun that's preserved well-enough to withstand a nuclear holocaust; that's one holy cow!

Carl's Jr.--even prettier in real life!

4.) Sirloin Cheeseburger - Jack In The Box

Ever since they were shut down several years ago for poisoning people to death, Jack In The Box has been back with a vengeance! Their Sirloin Cheeseburger is a prime example. Not just a clever nickname--it actually consists of 100% Sirloin, which is fittingly one of the closest cuts to the asshole of the cow. I personally enjoy how it's served on a bakery 'style' bun, much like it's a quality 'style' hamburger. 

Studies suggest that you can actually contract Salmonella from staring at this image

3.) Dave's Hot N' Juicy Triple - Wendy's

As America knows full well, BIGGER IS ALWAYS BETTER! Wendy's validates this incontrovertible truth with their alarmingly oversized triple cheeseburger. After all, why only have one, lonely human-size portion of 'real' beef, when you can have three at three times the price? Diabetes is no joke people. If you don't start getting serious about your meat consumption now, you'll never be able to drain our severely overburdened healthcare system by the time you reach your early 60s. Also, it should be a given that when you think of the late, portly restauranteur Dave Thomas, the first two adjectives that come to mind are 'hot' and 'juicy.'

Now available in 'Merica! Size

2.) Carolina BBQ Whopper ® - Burger King

Who doesn't love the Whopper--vegetarians and people with tastebuds withstanding? I mean it's a flame-grilled beef patty of indeterminate origin, that essentially confirms the existence of God. There's no way you can improve upon perfection, right? WRONG, ya moron! Add bacon, and not the 'real' kind, but that super-sad bacon that has the consistency of a wetted, chewier square of Charmin's toilet paper, then smother that bad boy in a corn-syrupy swath of southern sauce that's defined even more vaguely than a Romney economic policy. Now you're cooking! Just like momma used to make, if momma was an ethically-challenged multinational conglomerate. 

I actually prefer the 'actual,' far less of that silly green stuff

1.) Big Mac - McDonald's

Topping this list of unimaginable greatness...Is there really any question? Did the hamburger even exist before America's friendliest, most health-conscious establishment unleashed this artery-clogging artwork upon the world? The short answer is no. The long answer is of course. But thanks to the ingenius insertion of a curiously-placed interloping third bun, we never looked at the hamburger quite the same again. They put the H.A.M. in hamburger. And does the third bun serve any purpose whatsoever? If that's your takeaway from the Big Mac, you are missing the entire point, not to mention you're far stupider than the billions and billions of satisfied customers that have enjoyed this game-changer since it was introduced over 50 years ago. To put it bluntly: die. Or, in other words, eat a bunch of Big Macs.

Gotta love that 9:2 bun to beef ratio

Facebook Etiquette (Or Lack Thereof)

Since Facebook has become a necessary evil pervading every facet of contemporary culture, I feel it a moral imperative to share with everyone a laundry list of content-related complaints about what contributes to the site's free-floating atrociousness. We're all guilty of this incredibly egocentric behavior at one time or another, but just remember: it's never too late to change, people. We can all work together to make Facebook a better place for future generations to 'like.'

Relationship Issues... Thanks to a wildly inappropriate status update, I recently noticed that a distant acquaintance went through a rather messy, unfortunate divorce. If you really feel the need to air your dirty laundry in the most public forum imaginable, I suggest running a clothesline across Canal street;

a far more appropriate locale, with much greater proximity to the migrant workers that actually care about your soiled undergarments, if only for the purposes of one-hour martinizing.

Gym Posts... Am I supposed to sleep soundly tonight knowing that you spent the evening lightly jogging on a treadmill like a drunken hamster? If you feel the need to validate your daily workout regimen by shouting it out in front of a bunch of people that you haven't talked to directly in years, you probably should just continue being the lazy piece of shit that we already assume you to be. I wonder if everyone else on your friends list is hoping that you tweak a hamstring on the elliptical, you impossibly self-centered 24-hour fitnarcissist.

Celebrity Sightings... If it's a real A-List type that you spent an evening playing pinochle with, maybe I could understand. But the profoundly menial C-list encounters dominating the 'Book

defy logic. Here's a helpful primer: if you hung out with Alec, it could be sharable--particularly if you spent time pranking his adolescent daughter. If it was Billy, keep it to yourself. And if you're legitimately toying with the notion of posting an encounter with Stephen Baldwin, please also toy with the notion of jumping off of something very tall.

Travel Itineraries...I'm sure you've all seen a similar post: LAX-->JFK. Just because you're giving out your flight schedule doesn't mean anyone gives a flying fuck in return. How can this

information possibly be of any worth to anyone save the internet-savvy criminals who are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to rob you blind while you're sipping overpriced cocktails in a 3rd world paradise, strategically cordoned off from surrounding locals who would want to do just the same if only they had internet access.

Celebrity Death Posts... I GOT IT UP FIRST! No you didn't, you morbid donkey donut. We all have the Internet, and so we all know the very moment that any person of any consequence flatlines. It's so tragically inappropriate to use Facebook to satisfy this dark desire to spread news of death...that's what Twitter is for, you insensitive moron!

Excessive Pictures of Yourself Taken in Front of a Mirror... Exacerbated greatly by inexplicably asinine poses in said pictures.

Public Displays of Affection in the Facebook Realm... For the undying love of Christ, could you please do us all the following favor: turn 90 degrees to your right (or left) and whisper

those same tender sweet-nothings into the ear of your loved one and leave us the fuck out of it! It's not any less annoying on the web than it is in real life.

Conspicuous Consumption... Nothing exposes the inherent emptiness of rampant materialism so much as people's incessant need to Facebrag about their latest purchases. They're so incredibly satisfied with their new trinket or useless gadget that

they feel compelled to let near-strangers know all about it. Am I supposed to be happy for you?

Cause I just want it to break, quickly & into as many pieces as possible.

Scantily Clad Pictures of Dudes... Please don't. Not even girls want to see your chest-hair--and if they do, it's only to judge wether you have more or less than they do.

Daily Chores...If it sucks to do them, imagine how much more it sucks to have to read about you doing them?

Religion... If you're not supposed to discuss it a dinner party, why is it anymore acceptable on what is essentially an online dinner party where everyone you have ever known is invited? What would Jesus 'like?' To be left the fuck off of your Facebook wall, for one. Christ!

Personal Revelations Best Left Between You and Your Psychiatrist... "I Hate Men," you say? If you've got some serious skeletons in your closet, you should probably keep them locked up.

Unless, of course, you're hot and making a public declaration of your newfound lesbianism...in which case, post away!

General Displays of Anger/Complaints... Get specific or get out. "I hate Wednesdays?" What the shit is that supposed to mean? If you're continually getting shat upon on the same day of every week, chances are it's not the day's fault. Let us in on the juicy details so that we are better equipped to make fun of your misery.

Trivial Proclamations... As earth-shattering as it might be to announce to your extended cyber-community that it's now the weekend, everyone on Facebook is already well-aware of this fact...because they've spent majority of their workweek reading through redundant status updates.

Moronic Observations... Although this brushes up on the well staked-out territory of trivial proclamations, the former merely leave us scratching our heads, whereas these nuggets of nitwittity make us all collectively stupider for having read them.

Inside Jokes (Unrelated to Nicolas Cage)... If you're referring to something that only has relevance to a handful of people, you should probably confine the comments to that specific group of people. Revolutionary, I know. If you're alluding obscurely to the ironic genius of Nicolas Cage, however, please disregard the aforementioned suggestion.

Sports/Concert Posts While AT the Event... The great Ram Das said it best: Be Here Now. If you were enjoying the event as much as your status update claims, than you'd actually be paying attention to what was happening...and NOT updating your status!

Grammatical Trainwrecks... If your ability to spell and/or write is shaky at best (and

borderline retarded at worst), how are we supposed to read and/or care about your indecipherable musings?

Conversely, there are a number of key elements that, if used more frequently, could dramatically improve the overall Facebook experience. Please observe:

Interesting Facts/Tidbits,

Posing Polarizing Questions/Polls,

Sharing Art of Any Kind,

Crazy Incidents Resulting in Injury and/or Disfigurement

Disgusting Displays of Vulgarity

Graphic Female Nudity

Intentionally Incendiary Remarks (Including, but not limited to, racism and/or fart jokes)

Corporate Secrets

Novelty News

Planting the Seeds of Widespread Revolution

Facebook has never been anything more than the content of which we generate--in its entirety. Together, we can all make it a more enjoyable, entertaining and scintillating site for everyone. Be the status change update you want to see in the world!

**100 Bites of the Bay**

If you live in or are planning on vacationing in the Bay Area any time soon you must check out this list of the best 100 dishes to dine on in our fine city:

100 Bites of the Bay

Is there anything missing (no)? What would be on your list?

**100 Bites of the Big Apple**

The City is a big-ass place. When trekking through the 5 Boroughs it's easy to become overwhelmed by the staggering array of bars, restaurants, clubs, parks, bars, overpaid athletes, overpaid bankers, underpaid street performers and impossibly large sewer rodents peppered across the landscape. To help make sense of all the madness, here is your ultimate primer...The Top 100 Bites of the Big Apple (In No Particular Order--Pictured Items Italicized):

100.) "The Bomb" -- Sal, Kris and Charlie's Deli (Astoria)

99.) "Bistro Burger" -- Corner Bistro (West Village)

98.) "Spotted Pig Burger" The Spotted Pig -- (West Village)

97.) Yellowfin tuna and foie gras on a toasted baguette -- Le Bernardin (Midtown)

96.) Prime Sirloin Steak -- Sparks Steakhouse (Midtown East)

95.) "Italian Deli Pizza" -- Saluggis (TriBeCa)

94.) Pirogi -- Lomzynianka (Greenpoint)

93.) Omakase -- Ushiwakamaru (Greenwich Village)

92.) "The Salty Pimp" -- Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (Union Square)

91.) Lobster Bisque -- The Lobster Place (Chelsea)

90.) Blood Orange Doughnut -- Dough (Bedford Stuyvesant)

89.) Rose Sangria -- Boqueria (South Village)

88.) Mac N' Cheese Slice -- Vinnie's Pizzeria (Greenpoint)

87.) Jamon Serrano & Manchego Sandwich -- Murray's Cheese Shop (West Village)

86.) Fresh Mint Gelato -- il Laboratorio del Gelato (Lower East Side)

85.) "Ki Roll" -- Ki Sushi (Cobble Hill)

84.) Veal Meatballs -- Bar Pitti (Greenwich Village)

83.) Porterhouse of Pork -- M. Wells (Long Island City) [TEMPORARILY CLOSED]

82.) Banh Mi -- Saigon Vietnamese Sandwich Deli (NoLIta)

81.) "Cheese Royale Burger" -- Royale (Alphabet City)

80.) Blue Cheese Tator Tots -- BLT Prime (Flatiron)

79.) Smoked & Fried Pork Nuggets Char No. 4 (Cobble Hill)

78.) Whole Wheat Everything Bagel with Lox Spread -- Ess-A-Bagel (Stuy Town)

77.) Red Velvet Ice Cream Sandwich -- Peter Pan Bakery (Greenpoint)

76.) Croque Monsieur -- Tartine (West Village)

75.) Prosciutto Arugula -- Otto Enoteca Pizzeria (Greenwich Village)

74.) "Aviation No. 1" -- Milk & Honey (Lower East Side)

73.) Beef Marrow & Oxtail Marmalade -- Blue Ribbon Brasserie (South Village)

72.) Krasata Paidakia -- Pylos (East Village)

71.) Roasted Duckling -- Bouley (TriBeCa)

70.) Baked Stuffed Veal Chop -- Del Posto (Chelsea)

69.) Yellowfin Tuna Tartare -- Gotham Bar and Grill (Greenwich Village)

68.) The DuMont Burger w/ Gruyere and Bacon-- DuMont (Williamsburg)

67.) Cheesy Waffle Fries -- 99 Miles to Philly (Union Square)

66.) Any Extra-hoppy I.P.A. -- Blind Tiger Ale House (West Village)

65.) "Pizza del Re" -- Keste Pizza & Vino (West Village)

64.) Original New York Cheesecake -- Junior's (Downtown Brooklyn)

63.) "Recession Special" -- Gray's Papaya (Upper West Side)

62.) "Eggs Hussard" -- Schiller's Liquor Bar (Lower East Side)

61.) Capt. Lawrence Reserve Imperial IPA -- Barcade (Williamsburg)

60.) Truffle Egg Toast w/ Bottarga -- 'inoteca (Lower East Side)

59.) Meatball Sliders -- Little Owl (West Village)

58.) Nonna Maria Slice -- Bleecker Street Pizza (West Village)

57.) Vermont Pork & Cheddar Link -- DBGB (NoHo)

56.) Smoked Pork Shoulder -- Gramercy Tavern (Flatiron)

55.) Connecticut Style Lobster Roll -- Red Hook Lobster Pound (Red Hook)

54.) Hellboy -- Paulie Gee's (Greenpoint)

53.) Creme Brulee Doughnut -- Doughnut Plant (Lower East Side)

52.) Crab Pizza -- Artichoke Basille's Pizza & Brewery (East Village)

51.) Coconut Cupcake -- Magnolia Bakery (West Village)

50.) Cuban Sandwich -- Cafe Habana (NoLIta)

49.) Any Hard to Find Ale -- Spuyten Duyvil (Williamsburg)

48.) Toro Tartare -- Morimoto (Chelsea)

47.) Pappardelle Bolognese -- Babbo Ristorante e Enoteca (Greenwich Village)

46.) "Kasha Knish" -- Yonah Schimmel's Knishes Bakery (Lower East Side)

45.) Burnt Ends -- RUB BBQ (Chelsea)

44.) Xiao Long Bao -- Joe's Shanghai (Chinatown)

43.) Sweet Potato Fries -- Maoz (Union Square)

42.) Blue 9 Burger Medieval Style -- Blue 9 Burger (East Village)

41.) Freddy's Junior -- King of Falafel and Shawarma (Astoria)

40.) Mac N' Cheese Pancakes -- Shopsins (Lower East Side)

39.) Peppers & Onions Hot Dog -- Nathan's Famous (Coney Island)

38.) Margherita Pizza -- Denino's Pizzeria Tavern (Elm Park)

37.) Scallion Pancakes -- Nan Xiang Dumpling House (Flushing)

36.) Bourbon and Toffee French Toast -- Diner (Williamsburg)

35.) Fried Yard Bird --Red Rooster (Harlem)

34.) Fettucini w/ Oxtail Ragu -- Eataly (Flatiron)

33.) Dry Aged Côte de Boeuf -- Minetta Tavern (Greenwich Village)

32.) Corned Beef on Rye -- 2nd Avenue Deli (Murray Hill)

31.) "The Bee Sting" -- Roberta's (Bushwick)

30.) Peking Style Pork Chops -- Nice Green Bo Restaurant (Chinatown)

29.) Gennaro Pie -- Lombardi's Pizza (NoLIta)

28.) Frites w/ Mango Chutney Mayo -- Pommes Frites (East Village)

27.) Pilsner and a Brat -- The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking District)

26.) Sashimi Sushi Combo -- Tomoe Sushi (Greenwich Village)

25.) Stuffed Artichoke -- Dominick's (Arthur Avenue)

24.) Pepperoni and Basil Pie -- Lucali (Carroll Gardens)

23.) "Chariman Bao" -- Baohaus (Lower East Side)

22.) Bacon Cheeseburger -- JG Melon (Upper East Side)

21.) Porterhouse Contadina -- Carmine's (Upper West Side)

20.) "Chihuahua Dog" -- Crif Dogs (St. Marks Place)

19.) Poutine w/ Smoked Meat -- Mile End (Boerum Hill)

18.) Elvis Cupcake -- Butter Lane (East Village)

17.) Shack Stack -- Shake Shack (Upper West Side)

16.) Bratwurst & Weihenstephaner Vitus -- Radegast Hall (Williamsburg)

15.) Any West Coast Microbrew -- Pacific Standard (Park Slope)

14.) Guaco Loco -- San Loco (East Village)

13.) Rivington Street -- Murray's Bagels (Greenwich Village)

12.) Fresh Burrata -- Il-Postino (Midtown East)

11.) Akamaru Modern -- Ippudo (East Village)

10.) Falafel Sandwich -- Mamoun's Falafel (Greenwich Village)

9.) Pork Belly -- Fette Sau (Williamsburg)

8.) Sausage and Broccoli Rabe Pie -- Di Fara Pizza (Midwood)

7.) Chicken Parm Sandwich -- Tino's Delicatessen (Arthur Avenue)

6.) Porterhouse for Two -- Peter Luger Steak House (Williamsburg)

5.) Pepperoni Pie -- Totonno's (Coney Island)

4.) Spicy Pork Sausage & Rice Cakes -- Momofuku Ssam Bar (East Village)

3.) Super Heebster -- Russ & Daughters (Lower East Side)

2.) Blue Fin Tuna -- Sushi Yasuda (Midtown East)

1.) Pastrami w/ Melted Swiss -- Katz's Delicatessen (Lower East Side)

There you have it. And now I'm fucking starving. First person to compile 100 photos--one for each of these magnetic munchies--wins a prize far beyond your wildest desires.

Peking Style Pork Chops (Nice Green Bo)

**Best Burger Bulletin**

The following compilation of the Country’s Best Burgers is the DEFINITIVE, know-all-end-all list. In fact, you will never have to seek out another list for hamburgers for as long as you live. After years of cross country travel I have assembled the following 25 spots from all around America and smooshed them down into one consolidated resource so that you don’t have to think about such controversial matters ever again. Instead you can spend your time worrying about stupid things, like where the best hot dogs can be found. I don’t know hot dogs, but I DO know Hamburgers...That being said, this was the hardest list to rank, EVER...because it had to be completely, 100% accurate. The only rule was that popular chain locations had to be omitted, so don’t be insulted In n’ Out and 5 Guys fanatics...You are great and all, but only when McDonalds and Burger King are used as a basis of comparison. Enjoy...

25.) Pearl’s Deluxe Burgers 708 Post Street SF, CA 94109 (415) 409-6120

San Francisco’s favorite greasy-spoon diner delight offers an array of bitching burgers. The go-to has got to be the Spicy Sly, featuring spicy pumpkin-habanero sauce and topped with grilled peppers and spicy Jack cheese. Upgrade the patty to Kobe-status for a few bucks more worth of delectability.

24.) Rocky’s Crown Pub 3786 Ingraham Street San Diego, CA 92109 (858) 273-9140

The best pub style burger in the West. Simple, greasy and to the point. Surf’s up.

23.) Grüner 527 SW 12th Avenue Portland, OR 97205 (503) 241-7163

Portland has really come up in the food scene and their Grüner Burger is the best the city has to offer. A juicy delight of salty, savory satisfaction, it’s served on a poppy-seeded potato bun with pickled red onions, aioli, arugula, smoky bacon and melted fontina cheese.

22.) Rustic Canyon 1119 Wilshire Boulevard, SaMo, CA 90401 (310) 393-7050

Often voted Los Angeles’ best, the Breakfast Burger is 8 ounces of organic, Niman Ranch beef spruced up with thick cut bacon confit (that’s cooked in frickin’ duck fat), sharp cheddar, a fried egg and arugula, nestled into a perfectly-toasted Rockenwagner brioche.

21.) Shake Shack 11 Madison Avenue # 1, New York (212) 889-6600

Danny Meyer’s chain of high-end, fast-food style burgers has taken over Manhattan in the past few years. The patties are thin, yet still juicy and they may or may not contain crack, considering the unfathomable lines that people put up with in waiting for one. If you’re gonna wait, why not go for the best? The ‘Shroom Burger is a psychedelic treat that boasts a breaded, deep-fried portobello mushroom stuffed with Meunster and cheddar cheese. Heady.

20.) Blazer Burger 440 RT 22 North Salem, NY 10560 (914) 277-4424

Full disclosure: I grew up on the Celsus Burger served here so I’m a little biased. But even the most impartial observer would understand the intoxicating combination of coarse, fatty ground beef, seared to perfection on a fresh kaiser roll with crisped bacon, greasy-grilled onions and meticulously-melted swiss. Home is whenever I’m with you.

19.) Kua ‘Aina 1200 Ala Moana Blvd # 665, Honolulu, HI - (808) 591-9133

Huge, juicy beef patty, fluffy buns, and superb add-ons such as grilled pineapple and fresh avocado. I gotta get back to the island! Aloha no ka oi!

18.) Corner Bistro 331 West 4th Street New York, NY 10014 (212) 242-9502

The best pub style burger in New York is also the best value anywhere in Manhattan--by far. For around 10$ you can enjoy a decent beer and a greasy, coarsely ground, no frills bacon cheeseburger. Not organic, not fancy, just damn tasty.

17.) Squeeze Inn 5301 Power Inn Rd Sacramento, CA 95820 (916) 386-8599

Yes, the burger itself is very tasty and pretty large as well. But what makes this place stand out is their unique style of applying a large sheet of cheese--eclipsing the patty itself--and allowing it to fry to a satisfying crisp on the griddle.

16.) Village Whisky 118 So. 20th Street Philadelphia, PA 19103 (215) 665-1088

Philadelphia is a city that likes to eat. When your claim to fame is obesity, you know you must be doing something right when it comes to food. The Whisky King is their Rocky of burgers. Using naturally raised Maine beef--seasoned sensationally--and topped with oregon bleu cheese, applewood smoked bacon and seared foie gras, this is the closest feeling an Eagle’s fan can get to the unmitigated joy of seeing their team win a Super Bowl.

15.) Minetta Tavern 113 MacDougal St. NY, NY 10012 Bleecker St. 212-475-3850

Made with Pat La Frieda’s peerless Black Label ground beef blend, this hip Greenwich Village eatery can get away with charging close to $30 for a hamburger cause it’s just that damn delicious.

14.) 900 Grayson 900 Grayson St Berkeley, CA 94710 (510) 704-9900

Berkeley has many good burgers but none as good as the Grayson Burger. Using natural, organic beef and triple-smoked bacon is a good start. Adding a touch of house made BBQ sauce and a slew of fried onion strings puts it over the top.

13.) Kuma’s Corner 2900 West Belmont Avenue Chi, IL 60618 (773) 604-8769

This Metal Bar names most of their burgers after Heavy Metal legends. Whereas I will always be partial to Led Zeppelin, here I go with the original Kuma, featuring bacon, cheddar and a fried egg atop an impossibly large 10 oz. patty and sandwiched in between a rugged, salted pretzel roll.

12.) 5-8 Club 5800 Cedar Avenue So. Minneapolis, MN 55417 (612) 823-5858

The Juicy Lucy was made popular here. Your choice of cheese melted in a molten core INSIDE of the patty. Be careful when you bit into it, you might get scalded by deliciousness.

11.) Sparky’s BBQ 115 FRANKLIN ST. HATCH, New Mexico 575.267.4222

Green Hatch Chile Burger. A New Mexican sensation, and nothing like it anywhere else.

10.) Burger Bar 3930 Las Vegas Blvd So. #121A Las Vegas, NV 89119 (702) 632-9364

This place is all about choices. All-star chef Hubert Keller delivers the goods in a variety of high-end kobe beef, buffalo and turkey meat and lets you choose from a list of amazing add-ons, such as lobster tails or even black truffles. Build your own masterpiece.

9.) Peter Luger 178 Broadway Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 387-7400

The undisputed heavyweight champion of New York Steakhouses also makes a damn good burger during the afternoon. No surprises, as the Luger Burger uses some of their world-famous porterhouse in the chuck. The brioche is fresh and delicious and the bacon is thick cut and sinful enough to terrify the hordes of hassidim that populate the surrounding neighborhood.

8.) Le Tub 1100 North Ocean Drive Hollywood, FL 33019 (954) 921-9425

This Key-West style dive bar makes you wait upwards of an hour for what has got to be the biggest pub-style burger I’ve ever eaten. Nearly 3/4th a pound of beef that is the perfect blend of salty, savory and juicy.

7.) Spruce 3640 Sacramento Street SF, CA 94118-1710 (415) 931-5100

San Francisco’s best is brought to life with perfectly seared ground chuck and house-made pickles and pickled onions.

6.) Umami Burger 850 South La Brea Avenue, Los Angeles -(323) 931-3000

LA’s obsession with this popular series of burger joints is well-founded. The Manly Burger packs so much flavor in between the bun, it’s ri-goddamn-diculous. Bacon lardon, beer-cheddar cheese and smoked onion strings will help with that. This burger is many things, but unfortunately it is not oversized.

5.) Holeman & Finch 2277 Peachtree Road NE#B ATL-GA 30309 (404) 948-1175

This stylish Atlanta gastropub only serves around 20 of these masterful double-cheeseburgers every night at around 9:30, at the ringing of a bell. Don’t miss out. It’s like an In-n-Out double double on some serious Barry Bonds juice.

4.) Radius 8 High Street Boston, MA 02110 (617) 426-1234

Boston’s boss of burgers is the Radius Burger--a 9 oz. patty perfectly engineered by renowned chef Michael Shlow to seal in the juiciness of the beef: lightly char the exterior on a grill before placing the burger into a salamander so that it doesn’t dry out. Top it with cheddar cheese, mild horse-radish and a healthy dose of crispy fried onions...Proceed to devour.

3.) DB Bistro 55 W. 44th St., New York, NY 10036 212-391-2400

The World’s Original Gourmet Burger is $32, which is actually a value when you consider that it’s stuffed--gloriously--with savory, braised short ribs and seared foie gras. When introduced in 2001, The DB Burger elevated hamburgers to a whole new stratosphere. It’s no less delicious now than it was then.

2.) Spotted Pig 314 West 11th Street New York, NY 10014-2369 (212) 620-0393

The best burger in New York is all about the best meat--like steak on a bun...a cross-charred, buttered brioche bun. Made with an insane amount of pungent blue cheese and served with an even more insane amount of outstanding rosemary garlic shoestring fries.

1.) Father’s Office 1018 Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA (310) 736-2224

The top of this list was by far the easiest choice. The first-rate FO Burger is a proprietary blend of aged ribeye smothered in a heavenly compote of bacon and caramelized onion reduction with gruyere and maytag blue melted on top. Absolute perfection. No condiments allowed (much to Mike's chagrin).

Well, there you have it. Think anything is missing, or that this list is fundamentally flawed? Well, I think you're fundamentally flawed. But this is America, damnit, so feel free to chime in...