Hardcore (Food) Porn--L.A. Edition

Since this is a family site, let's try and keep it mostly PG-13:

Sloppy Joseph -- Stout-braised shortribs with fried onions @ Golden Road Brewpub

Sausage and Peppers Pie @ 800 Degrees

Bacon Cheeseburger @ Rustic Canyon

Côte de bœuf @ Patina

Birthday Cake @JDoubleO

Slippery Shrimp @ Yang Chow

Home-cooked Bacon Egg and Cheese

Albondigas for Cinco de Mayo

Dom DeMarco Doing Work

This is master pizzaiola Dom DeMarco, practicing the art that he's been perfecting for more than 5 decades within the cultural and geographic heart of Brooklyn.  There's nothing quite like it anywhere, watching him work is the closest you might ever come to experiencing true Nirvana.  But I give you fair warning: DO NOT watch this video unless you are within striking distance of Avenue J in Midwood, NY--otherwise this footage will only succeed in making you painfully envious and/or homesick.

**Daily Food Porn**

Dry-Rubbed Rib Plate from Southpaw BBQ

Liberty Farms Duck Breast from Jardiniere

Hamachi Carpaccio from Kiji Sushi

Le Grand Burger from Wayfare Tavern

Pepperoni Deep Dish from Little Star Pizza

Pork Poutine from Magnolia Brewpub

(Click on any of the pictures to view in drool-inducing high resolution)

**WANTED**

Have you seen this man?



If so--for the love of cross-dressing Jesus--do not approach him! Authorities believe the so-called 'Bruschetta Bandit' to be parmed and extremely dangerous. If you're unlucky enough to encounter this mysterious deviant please consider alerting your local pizza hotline. (Offer only applies in the Greater DC Metro Area)

In fact, he might be stealing your pizza as we speak--stuffing slices under his sweatshirt. None can be trusted. Here is the most recent surveillance video obtained thru hidden FBI security cameras:

The Pliny Premiere

Beer is absolutely delicious. Nobody would try to deny that. But imagine if you could find a beer that is more delicious than any other beer on the planet? If you live in northern California, you don't need to imagine because according to a global consensus the world's best beer comes from a microbrewery in Santa Rosa called Russian River Brewing Company.


Meet Pliny the Younger. According to Beer Advocate, this libation--brewed for only a few short weeks in February--is the undisputed king. Like the New York Giants of Beer. Rated even higher than the prestigious Westvleteren 12, a belgian ale that Trappist monks have had several celibate centuries to perfect. Russian River Brewmaster Vinny Cilurzo has only had about a decade to attain this same level of perfection and he didn't even have to give up sex in order to do it--in fact he has a very lovely wife.



Pliny the Elder is readily available here in the Bay Area throughout the year. It is without question the best Double IPA the universe has ever seen. Subtle hints of grapefruit and other sublime citrus notes balance out a complex flavor that dances on your palate in a delicate pirouette of divinity. I am drinking one right now, and I hope you are too. The Younger brother only goes on tap for a limited time however and has garnered quite the cult following in recent years. It's like The Elder on performance enhancing drugs. Everything that makes the Elder so insanely delectable and well-balanced is jacked-up a notch in The Younger, a Triple IPA

I thought I was being soooo clever when I went up to Santa Rosa on the day of PtY's premiere. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by a throng of thousands that looked precisely like this:



People were waiting upwards of 4 hours to get into the bar and have a first lick at this masterful creation. I had to tug at some serious connections in order to get a backdoor entrance after only a mere hour of waiting. After all, if you're going for the backdoor you have to wait until the moment is juuusst right. Sorry for the buttsex humor. I just had to squeeze it in there.

So anyhow, we make it inside and it was like stepping into Shangri La. Ten ounce pours of Pliny are being disseminated by the hundreds. I took my spot at the bar and probably did not move more than a few yards for the next 8 hours. After that, any movement was a stumble at best. This is what happens when you start throwing back a Triple IPA which is nearly 11% alcohol. Each one is equal to about 3 bullshit beers.


Since this blog is dedicated to 'anything under the sun that's fucking awesome' I must disclose to you that this bar is also known for two other reasons: Pizza Bites and cheap hookers. Okay, I was just joking about the hookers part--when girls drink this much booze they almost always forget to charge. The Pizza Bites however are like less than 10$ for a large pizza that is cut down in to small bites. Topped with pepperoni and pepperoncini, the spice and fat is perfectly engineered to slice through the bitter hoppiness that dominates Plinies Younger and Elder. Incidentally, spice and fat is also a hallmark of cheap hookers.





Uh oh. This bar's almost getting too famous. Now they're on the evening news? After drinking this much booze, the last thing I need is to have network television cameras around. I'm glad they didn't interview me because I have absolutely no idea what would have slurred out of my mouth at a time like that. Oh yeah, now I remember. And now that I think of it, I was hoping this post would have more abortion jokes. After all, it's never too soon for a good abortion joke. In fact, it's usually just a little bit too late. Have you ever noticed that drunk driving is a little bit like abortion? Nobody wants to advocate it, but even if you're against it, you know you have done it at least a few times. Alcohol is usually the catalyst for both. There's not a lot of mass transportation heading towards or away from Santa Rosa, California. So if you didn't plan ahead with a designated driver, let me recommend for the future that people with crippling and debilitating alcoholism always make good ones. We all know how messy it can get when these people drink, so they best stay sober. They also can provide you with countless anecdotes of how alcohol ruined their lives while you are getting increasingly shitfaced. Now THAT'S entertainment people. If you are gonna drive drunk though I suggest staying on major highways and steering clear--literally-- of schools and/or hospitals. Remember, just as many people get pulled over drunk for driving too SLOW as too FAST. So don't be afraid to step on that accelerator a little bit.


Pizza.
Pliny.
Perfection.
















Up Next: Guilt-Free Recreational Drug Use

Meat, Cheese and Bread

What makes this blog different from all other blogs? Well this blog is sick. So fucking sick. It's got the best food, the best music and the bestdeals from the best cities in the best country. Best of all, it's completely free for you to sift through. So if you don't like it, you best keep your mouth shut because I am NOT the best at dealing with criticism.

I will try to keep words at a minimum as I know reading strains your eyes. Mainly, you will be able to feast your eyes on the great media I attach on the daily to keep this site as fresh as the raw fish at your favorite local sushi bar. There are only two elements that make this blog so very revolting.

1.) It is a revolt against every other blog that has EVER been published (more on that later).

2.) There will be grossness.

First things first, let's get oriented:

These are the districts of San Francisco. At only 49 square miles, SF is the second most densely populated metropolis in the United States. Go ahead and look at this map. Take a good long look because it's going to be on the test. We are going to delve into every last section of this City By the Bay until you are motherfuckin' sick of it--just kidding...you can never get sick of this place. But just to add a little spice to the recipe we will occasionally feature articles from some of those other cities. Places like Los Angeles, New York, San Diego, Chicago, etc...the boring old jive. JK JK JK. C'mon, I LOVE these places. I LOVE ALL PLACES. Well, except, y'know--Des Moines, Iowa.

Right now let's shift our attention to assorted combinations of meat, bread and cheese. If I were stranded on a desert island, I would only need these three ingredients--and these three alone--in order to survive. I'm talking of course about a raft built of bread and welded together with melted cheese and ground beef. But I could also make an endless supply of tacos, pizza and hamburgers. I love the West Coast, and I am from the East Coast. The East Coast knows all about pizza and even hamburgers, but you just can't score a taco like this when you're on the Atlantic Seaboard:

That's a late-night taco from La Crispita in North Hollywood, California. Somewhere off of Magnolia Blvd. I'd love to tell you the extract address but I was too inebriated to record any meaningful observations regarding my immediate surroundings. The only thing that caught my eye was that there were several Mexican laborers slicing fresh pastor (slow-cooked pork) off of one of those kebab things that you usually associate with shwarma and questionably hygienic middle-eastern fare.

(On a disturbing side-note: Fox News doesn't even know where Egypt is)

For one measly dollar you can indulge yourself on one of the most authentic mexican pork plates this side of Oaxaca--and let me tell you, that is a difficult name to spell. A very easy culinary treat to devour, and after a few bites you will already be standing in line for your next smattering of true mexican flavors. If only Puerto Rican food tasted this good then a New Yorker would never have to travel 3000 miles and countless hours to get here. I can't speak to that though because I never have and never will try food from a commonwealth. This means YOU, Virginia and Massachusetts.

Meat, cheese and a bread delivery system is a combination fit for kings. Head south of The Valley and into LA Proper and you will find that high end burgers are all the rage right now. Father's Office, The Foundry, Umami Burger. They are all KILLING IT right now. So fucking haute right now. What makes them work so well are those very same basic ingredients, rejiggered of course into something a little less mexican. Just kidding. Who do you think is doing all that work back in the kitchen?

Umami currently has 3 locations around LA city and this time we decided to hit up the one on Cahuenga in Hollywood with the hopes of being near Roscoe's Fried Chicken and Waffle House for desert. Special burger on the menu today was the Manly Burger. It was almost a challenge because if you didn't order this burger it must mean that you are a woman. Not that there's anything wrong with that--unless you're taking about burger consumption, then there is a whole LOT wrong with it. From our seat at the bar we could look into the kitchen and watch the mexican day laborer (I'm pretty sure it was the same guy slicing the pastor last night but I'll never be sure because all hispanics look the same to me) as he carefully and meticulously blended the ground meat into patties of perfection. It was yet another reminder of why the people that wanna outlaw illegal immigration are assholes--and probably vegetarians too.

The Manly-Burger consists of a dab of barbeque sauce and crispy fried onion strings dolloped atop chunky lardons of bacon.

Chunky.

Lardon.

It can't be merely a coincidence that this last word rhymes with hard-on. And whereas I generally don't like to mix and match my culinary adjectives with pornographic ones, for the sake of full disclosure I should tell you that fatty chunks of pork really do give me an erection. Is that bad to admit on a public forum?

They only cook their burgers one way: Medium rare. Do you even realize how bad-ass that is? Some (shitty) restaurants won't even serve you a burger cooked so lightly because they're scared you might get ebola or some shit. Ooooo!!! Liquified internal organs. Sooooo scary! Let me tell you something...viral hemorrhagic fever is a small price to pay for perfectly seared animal flesh, and you should accept nothing more charred than medium rare if you are eating in any establishment that has enough money to plunder punitively in a potential food-poisoning lawsuit. This burger made me so sick. Sick with divine pleasure, the type of which a vegan can only derive with a high-powered vibrator. It's so damn trendy to hate on LA these days and if you do, you're an idiot, because this city has better food and much better high-end hookers than your silly little podunk town could ever muster. I'm looking at YOU, Des Moines.

For today's final foray into the joys of meat, cheese and bread we mosey our way on up I-5 and into the Bay Area for one of the finest Neapolitan pies anywhere in the country: Pizzeria Delfina. The special of the day was broccoli rabbe with a bunch of other bullshit. Which--don't get me wrong--is a great start. If at all possible, I would hire a plumber to adjust my showerhead so that I could feasibly bathe myself in broccoli rabbe. I looked into it, and not only is it not possible, but my plumber refused to do business with me ever again. I'm fairly confident he's anti-semitic. The only problem is that a pizza doesn't officially have toppings on it unless meat is involved. So I called up my friend--hot crumpled italian sausage--and invited him to the party.

The results were nothing short of how amazing this picture looks. If you need a minute or two alone with this illustration, I'll wait.

If you live in San Francisco and haven't been to Pizzeria Delfina yet you are obviously a fucking homo and so you should stay in the Castro--there are amazing dining options all around that neighborhood, btw.

Wait a minute...this is San Francisco, we're all gay here. So grab a buttplug, preferably one of your own, and a taco, we're going cruisin'.

Up Next: West Coast Beer