Breaking: Start of the 2016 Presidential Campaign

Run--don't walk--to the polls. And be happy that after today you won't have to hear a word about presidential campaigning until about halfway through 2013, when Christ Christie vs. Andrew Cuomo really starts to heat up! It promises to be a horse race of epic proportions...

**Daily Apocalypse Reminder**

Commentators chuckle as man falls to his death on national television:

In other uplifting news, a Colorado woman is in police custody after allegedly killing her cat to death with brown heroine until it died. Sound's like a party!

But at least things are looking up for the struggling Recording Industry, who just persuaded major internet service providers to ramp up efforts to punish the scourge of our earth: Illegal music downloaders.

Whoopeee! We're SAVED! That was close...Although there's always those pesky supernovae.