In Defense of Seth MacFarlane

Did I Do That?

Really America? This is what preoccupies us? Our country certainly can be disappointing at times. We are poisoning our children, the food we eat, the very air we breathe. Our civil rights are systematically eroding all around us. State-of-the-art, flying robots are being used to execute innocent women and children across the globe. Meanwhile, the companies responsible for all of this death and destruction are reaping benefits never before seen in the history of modern civilization. In light of all this, how do we react? By hurtling endless vitriol at the dude who hosted the Oscars. Obviously.

In order to manufacture outrage in this country, apparently what you have to do is something really obscene. Like sing a lighthearted ditty about female anatomy, wherein many of the subjects of the humor are in on the joke. Then people will be furious. They'll take to the message boards, they'll gather around the proverbial water coolers of their lives and bitch like petulant children.

Somebody Call the Waaambulance.

God forbid you make any sort of self-aware racist barb, anti-semitic quip or homophobic wisecrack. After all, a meta-joke is no defense for a tasteless slur! Except that, it is. Because instead of making fun of blacks, or Jews, or Gays, you're making fun of the people that make fun of blacks and Jews and Gays. That's a substantiative, fundamental difference and if you don't understand it then the joke is on you, as well.

I'm hardly a Seth MacFarlane loyalist. Sure, I'll watch an episode of Family Guy once in a while if it's late, I can't sleep and I've been hanging out in, say, post-2012 Colorado or Washington state. But I'm not in love with the guy (not that there's anything wrong with that). Actually, I wish I wasn't in a position where I'm forced to defend him. But Sweet Jesus, the internet will just not leave this man alone. 

There are so many things to despise about the Oscars. It's a bloated, drawn-out, self-important pageantry of pomp that could easily be condensed into 30 minutes of significance, commercials included. Yet none of these perennially aggravating flaws have anything to do with Seth MacFarlane nor his particular brand of irreverent humor. 

After Glimpsing Into The Future of His Career

Truth be told, if there was any problem with the host this past Sunday it was that he was far too tame. Anybody that has at least a modicum of familiarity with truly offensive humor--from talentless pigs the likes of George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Louis CK, and early 80s Eddie Murphy--would understand the subdued nature of MacFarlane's supposedly vulgar outbursts. 

Worse still are the people that complain that he was predictable and boring in his tastelessness. YOU ARE PRECISELY THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LACK OF EDGINESS. He tamped it down and made it boring to appease you, the self-important, squeamish masses! If you complain this much about him--sans his prickliest barbs--imagine how frothily you'd be foaming at the mouth if you got the full-on Family Guy version of the dude! 

Oh heavens to bitsy! Did he just allude to Jodie Foster's on-screen nudity?! That was from during a (gasp) rape scene! Have you no decency?

How Dare You Objectify Me!

Guess what? The idea of someone pausing the screen during a rape scene to admire Jodie Foster's female form is patently absurd--nobody admires Jodie Foster's female form! If you can't find humor in that, it's you that has the problem. At it's very core comedy is pure magic in its ability to somehow extract laughter from the depths of despair. It's a uniquely human trait--and a miraculous one at that. Don't diminish or cheapen it with your stubborn attempts to prove that someone has hurt your feelings--or worse yet--somebody else's feelings! 

Louis CK once wondered aloud when the soonest appropriate time would be to jerk-off in the wake of 9/11 (for him, it was between the first and second tower falling). Masturbation as related to the greatest single tragedy in our nation's history. This is the same guy whose material includes punchlines about his own daughters being sexually assaulted.  That is offensive stuff. That makes MacFarlane at the Oscars seem like Mother Theresa on Jay Leno. But you know what? People still find it funny. A lot of people, in fact. Louis CK is practically the biggest name in comedy today. Just because you don't find it funny doesn't mean there is no traceable comedic value. To assume so is egotistical and ignorant. Above all, it's insensitive to the tastes of others--which is what you're bitching about to begin with. That makes you a hypocrite at best and a self-righteous prick at worst.

All this phony sanctimony is positively maddening and painfully transparent: people will, without mercy, seek out THE. EASIEST. WAY. to feel better about themselves. We could go march down on Washington, right now, demanding legislators bring our troops home from pointless battles in faraway lands, insist on corporate accountability for our increasingly toxic, cancer-inducing environment--just to randomly name but a couple of serious issues plaguing us on the reg. But that would involve action. You know, like big-time, logging-off-of-Facebook kind of action. It's so much easier to just tweet your displeasure at someone who voices cartoons for a living, feign big ol' crocodile tears and show everybody how socially conscious you are. As if it's not bad enough that we have to live in a world where cataclysmic injustice goes furiously unchecked, now you wanna strip me of my only coping mechanism for dealing with that fact: unapologetically ruthless comedy. As they say, you can either laugh or you can cry.

But you know what makes me legitimately wanna cry? Aside from the fact that we live in a country where the dude who made a joke about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna catches more flack than the guy who actually beat up Rihanna (last I checked, Chris Brown has sold more records after physically abusing a seven time Grammy award-winning woman than he did before). What saddens me the most is that all this misspent outrage mutates society into one big self-satisfied delusion. As if railing against irreverent humor is a respectable stand-in for retaliating against global atrocities with rampant apathy and consistent inaction. Ultimately we end up with precisely what we deserve: Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars again. And that, my friends, is no laughing matter.

This Is Funny, Right?

Wicked Pissah

News from around New England:

The Spirit of 4/20

The Spirit of 4/20 - watch more funny videos

Facebook Etiquette (Or Lack Thereof)

Since Facebook has become a necessary evil pervading every facet of contemporary culture, I feel it a moral imperative to share with everyone a laundry list of content-related complaints about what contributes to the site's free-floating atrociousness. We're all guilty of this incredibly egocentric behavior at one time or another, but just remember: it's never too late to change, people. We can all work together to make Facebook a better place for future generations to 'like.'

Relationship Issues... Thanks to a wildly inappropriate status update, I recently noticed that a distant acquaintance went through a rather messy, unfortunate divorce. If you really feel the need to air your dirty laundry in the most public forum imaginable, I suggest running a clothesline across Canal street;

a far more appropriate locale, with much greater proximity to the migrant workers that actually care about your soiled undergarments, if only for the purposes of one-hour martinizing.

Gym Posts... Am I supposed to sleep soundly tonight knowing that you spent the evening lightly jogging on a treadmill like a drunken hamster? If you feel the need to validate your daily workout regimen by shouting it out in front of a bunch of people that you haven't talked to directly in years, you probably should just continue being the lazy piece of shit that we already assume you to be. I wonder if everyone else on your friends list is hoping that you tweak a hamstring on the elliptical, you impossibly self-centered 24-hour fitnarcissist.

Celebrity Sightings... If it's a real A-List type that you spent an evening playing pinochle with, maybe I could understand. But the profoundly menial C-list encounters dominating the 'Book

defy logic. Here's a helpful primer: if you hung out with Alec, it could be sharable--particularly if you spent time pranking his adolescent daughter. If it was Billy, keep it to yourself. And if you're legitimately toying with the notion of posting an encounter with Stephen Baldwin, please also toy with the notion of jumping off of something very tall.

Travel Itineraries...I'm sure you've all seen a similar post: LAX-->JFK. Just because you're giving out your flight schedule doesn't mean anyone gives a flying fuck in return. How can this

information possibly be of any worth to anyone save the internet-savvy criminals who are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to rob you blind while you're sipping overpriced cocktails in a 3rd world paradise, strategically cordoned off from surrounding locals who would want to do just the same if only they had internet access.

Celebrity Death Posts... I GOT IT UP FIRST! No you didn't, you morbid donkey donut. We all have the Internet, and so we all know the very moment that any person of any consequence flatlines. It's so tragically inappropriate to use Facebook to satisfy this dark desire to spread news of death...that's what Twitter is for, you insensitive moron!

Excessive Pictures of Yourself Taken in Front of a Mirror... Exacerbated greatly by inexplicably asinine poses in said pictures.

Public Displays of Affection in the Facebook Realm... For the undying love of Christ, could you please do us all the following favor: turn 90 degrees to your right (or left) and whisper

those same tender sweet-nothings into the ear of your loved one and leave us the fuck out of it! It's not any less annoying on the web than it is in real life.

Conspicuous Consumption... Nothing exposes the inherent emptiness of rampant materialism so much as people's incessant need to Facebrag about their latest purchases. They're so incredibly satisfied with their new trinket or useless gadget that

they feel compelled to let near-strangers know all about it. Am I supposed to be happy for you?

Cause I just want it to break, quickly & into as many pieces as possible.

Scantily Clad Pictures of Dudes... Please don't. Not even girls want to see your chest-hair--and if they do, it's only to judge wether you have more or less than they do.

Daily Chores...If it sucks to do them, imagine how much more it sucks to have to read about you doing them?

Religion... If you're not supposed to discuss it a dinner party, why is it anymore acceptable on what is essentially an online dinner party where everyone you have ever known is invited? What would Jesus 'like?' To be left the fuck off of your Facebook wall, for one. Christ!

Personal Revelations Best Left Between You and Your Psychiatrist... "I Hate Men," you say? If you've got some serious skeletons in your closet, you should probably keep them locked up.

Unless, of course, you're hot and making a public declaration of your newfound lesbianism...in which case, post away!

General Displays of Anger/Complaints... Get specific or get out. "I hate Wednesdays?" What the shit is that supposed to mean? If you're continually getting shat upon on the same day of every week, chances are it's not the day's fault. Let us in on the juicy details so that we are better equipped to make fun of your misery.

Trivial Proclamations... As earth-shattering as it might be to announce to your extended cyber-community that it's now the weekend, everyone on Facebook is already well-aware of this fact...because they've spent majority of their workweek reading through redundant status updates.

Moronic Observations... Although this brushes up on the well staked-out territory of trivial proclamations, the former merely leave us scratching our heads, whereas these nuggets of nitwittity make us all collectively stupider for having read them.

Inside Jokes (Unrelated to Nicolas Cage)... If you're referring to something that only has relevance to a handful of people, you should probably confine the comments to that specific group of people. Revolutionary, I know. If you're alluding obscurely to the ironic genius of Nicolas Cage, however, please disregard the aforementioned suggestion.

Sports/Concert Posts While AT the Event... The great Ram Das said it best: Be Here Now. If you were enjoying the event as much as your status update claims, than you'd actually be paying attention to what was happening...and NOT updating your status!

Grammatical Trainwrecks... If your ability to spell and/or write is shaky at best (and

borderline retarded at worst), how are we supposed to read and/or care about your indecipherable musings?

Conversely, there are a number of key elements that, if used more frequently, could dramatically improve the overall Facebook experience. Please observe:

Interesting Facts/Tidbits,

Posing Polarizing Questions/Polls,

Sharing Art of Any Kind,

Crazy Incidents Resulting in Injury and/or Disfigurement

Disgusting Displays of Vulgarity

Graphic Female Nudity

Intentionally Incendiary Remarks (Including, but not limited to, racism and/or fart jokes)

Corporate Secrets

Novelty News

Planting the Seeds of Widespread Revolution

Facebook has never been anything more than the content of which we generate--in its entirety. Together, we can all make it a more enjoyable, entertaining and scintillating site for everyone. Be the status change update you want to see in the world!

**Best Burger Bulletin**

The following compilation of the Country’s Best Burgers is the DEFINITIVE, know-all-end-all list. In fact, you will never have to seek out another list for hamburgers for as long as you live. After years of cross country travel I have assembled the following 25 spots from all around America and smooshed them down into one consolidated resource so that you don’t have to think about such controversial matters ever again. Instead you can spend your time worrying about stupid things, like where the best hot dogs can be found. I don’t know hot dogs, but I DO know Hamburgers...That being said, this was the hardest list to rank, EVER...because it had to be completely, 100% accurate. The only rule was that popular chain locations had to be omitted, so don’t be insulted In n’ Out and 5 Guys fanatics...You are great and all, but only when McDonalds and Burger King are used as a basis of comparison. Enjoy...

25.) Pearl’s Deluxe Burgers 708 Post Street SF, CA 94109 (415) 409-6120

San Francisco’s favorite greasy-spoon diner delight offers an array of bitching burgers. The go-to has got to be the Spicy Sly, featuring spicy pumpkin-habanero sauce and topped with grilled peppers and spicy Jack cheese. Upgrade the patty to Kobe-status for a few bucks more worth of delectability.

24.) Rocky’s Crown Pub 3786 Ingraham Street San Diego, CA 92109 (858) 273-9140

The best pub style burger in the West. Simple, greasy and to the point. Surf’s up.

23.) Grüner 527 SW 12th Avenue Portland, OR 97205 (503) 241-7163

Portland has really come up in the food scene and their Grüner Burger is the best the city has to offer. A juicy delight of salty, savory satisfaction, it’s served on a poppy-seeded potato bun with pickled red onions, aioli, arugula, smoky bacon and melted fontina cheese.

22.) Rustic Canyon 1119 Wilshire Boulevard, SaMo, CA 90401 (310) 393-7050

Often voted Los Angeles’ best, the Breakfast Burger is 8 ounces of organic, Niman Ranch beef spruced up with thick cut bacon confit (that’s cooked in frickin’ duck fat), sharp cheddar, a fried egg and arugula, nestled into a perfectly-toasted Rockenwagner brioche.

21.) Shake Shack 11 Madison Avenue # 1, New York (212) 889-6600

Danny Meyer’s chain of high-end, fast-food style burgers has taken over Manhattan in the past few years. The patties are thin, yet still juicy and they may or may not contain crack, considering the unfathomable lines that people put up with in waiting for one. If you’re gonna wait, why not go for the best? The ‘Shroom Burger is a psychedelic treat that boasts a breaded, deep-fried portobello mushroom stuffed with Meunster and cheddar cheese. Heady.

20.) Blazer Burger 440 RT 22 North Salem, NY 10560 (914) 277-4424

Full disclosure: I grew up on the Celsus Burger served here so I’m a little biased. But even the most impartial observer would understand the intoxicating combination of coarse, fatty ground beef, seared to perfection on a fresh kaiser roll with crisped bacon, greasy-grilled onions and meticulously-melted swiss. Home is whenever I’m with you.

19.) Kua ‘Aina 1200 Ala Moana Blvd # 665, Honolulu, HI - (808) 591-9133

Huge, juicy beef patty, fluffy buns, and superb add-ons such as grilled pineapple and fresh avocado. I gotta get back to the island! Aloha no ka oi!

18.) Corner Bistro 331 West 4th Street New York, NY 10014 (212) 242-9502

The best pub style burger in New York is also the best value anywhere in Manhattan--by far. For around 10$ you can enjoy a decent beer and a greasy, coarsely ground, no frills bacon cheeseburger. Not organic, not fancy, just damn tasty.

17.) Squeeze Inn 5301 Power Inn Rd Sacramento, CA 95820 (916) 386-8599

Yes, the burger itself is very tasty and pretty large as well. But what makes this place stand out is their unique style of applying a large sheet of cheese--eclipsing the patty itself--and allowing it to fry to a satisfying crisp on the griddle.

16.) Village Whisky 118 So. 20th Street Philadelphia, PA 19103 (215) 665-1088

Philadelphia is a city that likes to eat. When your claim to fame is obesity, you know you must be doing something right when it comes to food. The Whisky King is their Rocky of burgers. Using naturally raised Maine beef--seasoned sensationally--and topped with oregon bleu cheese, applewood smoked bacon and seared foie gras, this is the closest feeling an Eagle’s fan can get to the unmitigated joy of seeing their team win a Super Bowl.

15.) Minetta Tavern 113 MacDougal St. NY, NY 10012 Bleecker St. 212-475-3850

Made with Pat La Frieda’s peerless Black Label ground beef blend, this hip Greenwich Village eatery can get away with charging close to $30 for a hamburger cause it’s just that damn delicious.

14.) 900 Grayson 900 Grayson St Berkeley, CA 94710 (510) 704-9900

Berkeley has many good burgers but none as good as the Grayson Burger. Using natural, organic beef and triple-smoked bacon is a good start. Adding a touch of house made BBQ sauce and a slew of fried onion strings puts it over the top.

13.) Kuma’s Corner 2900 West Belmont Avenue Chi, IL 60618 (773) 604-8769

This Metal Bar names most of their burgers after Heavy Metal legends. Whereas I will always be partial to Led Zeppelin, here I go with the original Kuma, featuring bacon, cheddar and a fried egg atop an impossibly large 10 oz. patty and sandwiched in between a rugged, salted pretzel roll.

12.) 5-8 Club 5800 Cedar Avenue So. Minneapolis, MN 55417 (612) 823-5858

The Juicy Lucy was made popular here. Your choice of cheese melted in a molten core INSIDE of the patty. Be careful when you bit into it, you might get scalded by deliciousness.

11.) Sparky’s BBQ 115 FRANKLIN ST. HATCH, New Mexico 575.267.4222

Green Hatch Chile Burger. A New Mexican sensation, and nothing like it anywhere else.

10.) Burger Bar 3930 Las Vegas Blvd So. #121A Las Vegas, NV 89119 (702) 632-9364

This place is all about choices. All-star chef Hubert Keller delivers the goods in a variety of high-end kobe beef, buffalo and turkey meat and lets you choose from a list of amazing add-ons, such as lobster tails or even black truffles. Build your own masterpiece.

9.) Peter Luger 178 Broadway Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 387-7400

The undisputed heavyweight champion of New York Steakhouses also makes a damn good burger during the afternoon. No surprises, as the Luger Burger uses some of their world-famous porterhouse in the chuck. The brioche is fresh and delicious and the bacon is thick cut and sinful enough to terrify the hordes of hassidim that populate the surrounding neighborhood.

8.) Le Tub 1100 North Ocean Drive Hollywood, FL 33019 (954) 921-9425

This Key-West style dive bar makes you wait upwards of an hour for what has got to be the biggest pub-style burger I’ve ever eaten. Nearly 3/4th a pound of beef that is the perfect blend of salty, savory and juicy.

7.) Spruce 3640 Sacramento Street SF, CA 94118-1710 (415) 931-5100

San Francisco’s best is brought to life with perfectly seared ground chuck and house-made pickles and pickled onions.

6.) Umami Burger 850 South La Brea Avenue, Los Angeles -(323) 931-3000

LA’s obsession with this popular series of burger joints is well-founded. The Manly Burger packs so much flavor in between the bun, it’s ri-goddamn-diculous. Bacon lardon, beer-cheddar cheese and smoked onion strings will help with that. This burger is many things, but unfortunately it is not oversized.

5.) Holeman & Finch 2277 Peachtree Road NE#B ATL-GA 30309 (404) 948-1175

This stylish Atlanta gastropub only serves around 20 of these masterful double-cheeseburgers every night at around 9:30, at the ringing of a bell. Don’t miss out. It’s like an In-n-Out double double on some serious Barry Bonds juice.

4.) Radius 8 High Street Boston, MA 02110 (617) 426-1234

Boston’s boss of burgers is the Radius Burger--a 9 oz. patty perfectly engineered by renowned chef Michael Shlow to seal in the juiciness of the beef: lightly char the exterior on a grill before placing the burger into a salamander so that it doesn’t dry out. Top it with cheddar cheese, mild horse-radish and a healthy dose of crispy fried onions...Proceed to devour.

3.) DB Bistro 55 W. 44th St., New York, NY 10036 212-391-2400

The World’s Original Gourmet Burger is $32, which is actually a value when you consider that it’s stuffed--gloriously--with savory, braised short ribs and seared foie gras. When introduced in 2001, The DB Burger elevated hamburgers to a whole new stratosphere. It’s no less delicious now than it was then.

2.) Spotted Pig 314 West 11th Street New York, NY 10014-2369 (212) 620-0393

The best burger in New York is all about the best meat--like steak on a bun...a cross-charred, buttered brioche bun. Made with an insane amount of pungent blue cheese and served with an even more insane amount of outstanding rosemary garlic shoestring fries.

1.) Father’s Office 1018 Montana Avenue, Santa Monica, CA (310) 736-2224

The top of this list was by far the easiest choice. The first-rate FO Burger is a proprietary blend of aged ribeye smothered in a heavenly compote of bacon and caramelized onion reduction with gruyere and maytag blue melted on top. Absolute perfection. No condiments allowed (much to Mike's chagrin).

Well, there you have it. Think anything is missing, or that this list is fundamentally flawed? Well, I think you're fundamentally flawed. But this is America, damnit, so feel free to chime in...

Humpsday

In reverence to my friend @MM--currently the hardest working man in show business (RIP James Brown)--I wanted to share a very special post this Wednesday that will be the first in a weekly series to help my becubicled brethren get through the oft-tedious workweek. Anything to help out the productivity of my fine nation!

That's right...Jewelry! And isn't it beautiful? Apparently there's many an admirer for this type of work, so let's take a look at what else is floating around the blogosphere: