**THE BEST BURGERS EVER**

Inspired by this awe-inspiring GQ list, which places Budweiser firmly in the ranks of the 50 Greatest Beers on the Planet, I figured I had to create a head-scratching mini-list of my own. This one ranks another of man's great joys: Hamburgers. Now I know I've expertly tackled this subject before at great length, but GQ helped me come to my senses about how elitist and snobbish I once was. I've since learned to embrace the pedestrian nature of our society, and so here now is the result of my style magazine-induced epiphany:

5.) Famous Star w/ Cheese - Carl's Jr. 

This char-broiled, all-beef patty is already a sensory revelation on its own. But when you throw in melted American cheese--the honey boo boo child of the dairy world--then top it with "special" sauce AND mayonnaise before sandwiching it all between a seeded bun that's preserved well-enough to withstand a nuclear holocaust; that's one holy cow!

Carl's Jr.--even prettier in real life!

4.) Sirloin Cheeseburger - Jack In The Box

Ever since they were shut down several years ago for poisoning people to death, Jack In The Box has been back with a vengeance! Their Sirloin Cheeseburger is a prime example. Not just a clever nickname--it actually consists of 100% Sirloin, which is fittingly one of the closest cuts to the asshole of the cow. I personally enjoy how it's served on a bakery 'style' bun, much like it's a quality 'style' hamburger. 

Studies suggest that you can actually contract Salmonella from staring at this image

3.) Dave's Hot N' Juicy Triple - Wendy's

As America knows full well, BIGGER IS ALWAYS BETTER! Wendy's validates this incontrovertible truth with their alarmingly oversized triple cheeseburger. After all, why only have one, lonely human-size portion of 'real' beef, when you can have three at three times the price? Diabetes is no joke people. If you don't start getting serious about your meat consumption now, you'll never be able to drain our severely overburdened healthcare system by the time you reach your early 60s. Also, it should be a given that when you think of the late, portly restauranteur Dave Thomas, the first two adjectives that come to mind are 'hot' and 'juicy.'

Now available in 'Merica! Size

2.) Carolina BBQ Whopper ® - Burger King

Who doesn't love the Whopper--vegetarians and people with tastebuds withstanding? I mean it's a flame-grilled beef patty of indeterminate origin, that essentially confirms the existence of God. There's no way you can improve upon perfection, right? WRONG, ya moron! Add bacon, and not the 'real' kind, but that super-sad bacon that has the consistency of a wetted, chewier square of Charmin's toilet paper, then smother that bad boy in a corn-syrupy swath of southern sauce that's defined even more vaguely than a Romney economic policy. Now you're cooking! Just like momma used to make, if momma was an ethically-challenged multinational conglomerate. 

I actually prefer the 'actual,' far less of that silly green stuff

1.) Big Mac - McDonald's

Topping this list of unimaginable greatness...Is there really any question? Did the hamburger even exist before America's friendliest, most health-conscious establishment unleashed this artery-clogging artwork upon the world? The short answer is no. The long answer is of course. But thanks to the ingenius insertion of a curiously-placed interloping third bun, we never looked at the hamburger quite the same again. They put the H.A.M. in hamburger. And does the third bun serve any purpose whatsoever? If that's your takeaway from the Big Mac, you are missing the entire point, not to mention you're far stupider than the billions and billions of satisfied customers that have enjoyed this game-changer since it was introduced over 50 years ago. To put it bluntly: die. Or, in other words, eat a bunch of Big Macs.

Gotta love that 9:2 bun to beef ratio

Talking Tebow w/ Chuck Klosterman

I ask prominent writer and all-around bad-ass Chuck Klosterman about the most compelling sports story of 2011:

Listen to internet radio with Fan vs Fan Radio Network on Blog Talk Radio

**100 Bites of the Big Apple**

The City is a big-ass place. When trekking through the 5 Boroughs it's easy to become overwhelmed by the staggering array of bars, restaurants, clubs, parks, bars, overpaid athletes, overpaid bankers, underpaid street performers and impossibly large sewer rodents peppered across the landscape. To help make sense of all the madness, here is your ultimate primer...The Top 100 Bites of the Big Apple (In No Particular Order--Pictured Items Italicized):

100.) "The Bomb" -- Sal, Kris and Charlie's Deli (Astoria)

99.) "Bistro Burger" -- Corner Bistro (West Village)

98.) "Spotted Pig Burger" The Spotted Pig -- (West Village)

97.) Yellowfin tuna and foie gras on a toasted baguette -- Le Bernardin (Midtown)

96.) Prime Sirloin Steak -- Sparks Steakhouse (Midtown East)

95.) "Italian Deli Pizza" -- Saluggis (TriBeCa)

94.) Pirogi -- Lomzynianka (Greenpoint)

93.) Omakase -- Ushiwakamaru (Greenwich Village)

92.) "The Salty Pimp" -- Big Gay Ice Cream Truck (Union Square)

91.) Lobster Bisque -- The Lobster Place (Chelsea)

90.) Blood Orange Doughnut -- Dough (Bedford Stuyvesant)

89.) Rose Sangria -- Boqueria (South Village)

88.) Mac N' Cheese Slice -- Vinnie's Pizzeria (Greenpoint)

87.) Jamon Serrano & Manchego Sandwich -- Murray's Cheese Shop (West Village)

86.) Fresh Mint Gelato -- il Laboratorio del Gelato (Lower East Side)

85.) "Ki Roll" -- Ki Sushi (Cobble Hill)

84.) Veal Meatballs -- Bar Pitti (Greenwich Village)

83.) Porterhouse of Pork -- M. Wells (Long Island City) [TEMPORARILY CLOSED]

82.) Banh Mi -- Saigon Vietnamese Sandwich Deli (NoLIta)

81.) "Cheese Royale Burger" -- Royale (Alphabet City)

80.) Blue Cheese Tator Tots -- BLT Prime (Flatiron)

79.) Smoked & Fried Pork Nuggets Char No. 4 (Cobble Hill)

78.) Whole Wheat Everything Bagel with Lox Spread -- Ess-A-Bagel (Stuy Town)

77.) Red Velvet Ice Cream Sandwich -- Peter Pan Bakery (Greenpoint)

76.) Croque Monsieur -- Tartine (West Village)

75.) Prosciutto Arugula -- Otto Enoteca Pizzeria (Greenwich Village)

74.) "Aviation No. 1" -- Milk & Honey (Lower East Side)

73.) Beef Marrow & Oxtail Marmalade -- Blue Ribbon Brasserie (South Village)

72.) Krasata Paidakia -- Pylos (East Village)

71.) Roasted Duckling -- Bouley (TriBeCa)

70.) Baked Stuffed Veal Chop -- Del Posto (Chelsea)

69.) Yellowfin Tuna Tartare -- Gotham Bar and Grill (Greenwich Village)

68.) The DuMont Burger w/ Gruyere and Bacon-- DuMont (Williamsburg)

67.) Cheesy Waffle Fries -- 99 Miles to Philly (Union Square)

66.) Any Extra-hoppy I.P.A. -- Blind Tiger Ale House (West Village)

65.) "Pizza del Re" -- Keste Pizza & Vino (West Village)

64.) Original New York Cheesecake -- Junior's (Downtown Brooklyn)

63.) "Recession Special" -- Gray's Papaya (Upper West Side)

62.) "Eggs Hussard" -- Schiller's Liquor Bar (Lower East Side)

61.) Capt. Lawrence Reserve Imperial IPA -- Barcade (Williamsburg)

60.) Truffle Egg Toast w/ Bottarga -- 'inoteca (Lower East Side)

59.) Meatball Sliders -- Little Owl (West Village)

58.) Nonna Maria Slice -- Bleecker Street Pizza (West Village)

57.) Vermont Pork & Cheddar Link -- DBGB (NoHo)

56.) Smoked Pork Shoulder -- Gramercy Tavern (Flatiron)

55.) Connecticut Style Lobster Roll -- Red Hook Lobster Pound (Red Hook)

54.) Hellboy -- Paulie Gee's (Greenpoint)

53.) Creme Brulee Doughnut -- Doughnut Plant (Lower East Side)

52.) Crab Pizza -- Artichoke Basille's Pizza & Brewery (East Village)

51.) Coconut Cupcake -- Magnolia Bakery (West Village)

50.) Cuban Sandwich -- Cafe Habana (NoLIta)

49.) Any Hard to Find Ale -- Spuyten Duyvil (Williamsburg)

48.) Toro Tartare -- Morimoto (Chelsea)

47.) Pappardelle Bolognese -- Babbo Ristorante e Enoteca (Greenwich Village)

46.) "Kasha Knish" -- Yonah Schimmel's Knishes Bakery (Lower East Side)

45.) Burnt Ends -- RUB BBQ (Chelsea)

44.) Xiao Long Bao -- Joe's Shanghai (Chinatown)

43.) Sweet Potato Fries -- Maoz (Union Square)

42.) Blue 9 Burger Medieval Style -- Blue 9 Burger (East Village)

41.) Freddy's Junior -- King of Falafel and Shawarma (Astoria)

40.) Mac N' Cheese Pancakes -- Shopsins (Lower East Side)

39.) Peppers & Onions Hot Dog -- Nathan's Famous (Coney Island)

38.) Margherita Pizza -- Denino's Pizzeria Tavern (Elm Park)

37.) Scallion Pancakes -- Nan Xiang Dumpling House (Flushing)

36.) Bourbon and Toffee French Toast -- Diner (Williamsburg)

35.) Fried Yard Bird --Red Rooster (Harlem)

34.) Fettucini w/ Oxtail Ragu -- Eataly (Flatiron)

33.) Dry Aged Côte de Boeuf -- Minetta Tavern (Greenwich Village)

32.) Corned Beef on Rye -- 2nd Avenue Deli (Murray Hill)

31.) "The Bee Sting" -- Roberta's (Bushwick)

30.) Peking Style Pork Chops -- Nice Green Bo Restaurant (Chinatown)

29.) Gennaro Pie -- Lombardi's Pizza (NoLIta)

28.) Frites w/ Mango Chutney Mayo -- Pommes Frites (East Village)

27.) Pilsner and a Brat -- The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking District)

26.) Sashimi Sushi Combo -- Tomoe Sushi (Greenwich Village)

25.) Stuffed Artichoke -- Dominick's (Arthur Avenue)

24.) Pepperoni and Basil Pie -- Lucali (Carroll Gardens)

23.) "Chariman Bao" -- Baohaus (Lower East Side)

22.) Bacon Cheeseburger -- JG Melon (Upper East Side)

21.) Porterhouse Contadina -- Carmine's (Upper West Side)

20.) "Chihuahua Dog" -- Crif Dogs (St. Marks Place)

19.) Poutine w/ Smoked Meat -- Mile End (Boerum Hill)

18.) Elvis Cupcake -- Butter Lane (East Village)

17.) Shack Stack -- Shake Shack (Upper West Side)

16.) Bratwurst & Weihenstephaner Vitus -- Radegast Hall (Williamsburg)

15.) Any West Coast Microbrew -- Pacific Standard (Park Slope)

14.) Guaco Loco -- San Loco (East Village)

13.) Rivington Street -- Murray's Bagels (Greenwich Village)

12.) Fresh Burrata -- Il-Postino (Midtown East)

11.) Akamaru Modern -- Ippudo (East Village)

10.) Falafel Sandwich -- Mamoun's Falafel (Greenwich Village)

9.) Pork Belly -- Fette Sau (Williamsburg)

8.) Sausage and Broccoli Rabe Pie -- Di Fara Pizza (Midwood)

7.) Chicken Parm Sandwich -- Tino's Delicatessen (Arthur Avenue)

6.) Porterhouse for Two -- Peter Luger Steak House (Williamsburg)

5.) Pepperoni Pie -- Totonno's (Coney Island)

4.) Spicy Pork Sausage & Rice Cakes -- Momofuku Ssam Bar (East Village)

3.) Super Heebster -- Russ & Daughters (Lower East Side)

2.) Blue Fin Tuna -- Sushi Yasuda (Midtown East)

1.) Pastrami w/ Melted Swiss -- Katz's Delicatessen (Lower East Side)

There you have it. And now I'm fucking starving. First person to compile 100 photos--one for each of these magnetic munchies--wins a prize far beyond your wildest desires.

Peking Style Pork Chops (Nice Green Bo)