Pliny the Elder

The best beer in history comes from Santa Rosa, California. In this quaint Bay Area city--right along the laid-back streets of downtown is where you'll find the Russian River Brewing Company--makers of the highest rated beer EVER. Beer Advocate gives its an A+ grade, which is funny because there's nothing better than an A+

In fact, this beer is so unbelievably perfect, you could actually use it to water your plants (please don't use this beer to water to your plants).

Here's the part where I could easily bore you with ancient anecdotes about the life and times of the historical figure for which the beer derives its name. But let's face it, even Pliny himself wouldn't give a fermented fuck. At any rate, the bottle itself says it all:

If you know at all about the fine art of brewing, then you are already very well aware of Vinnie Cilurzo and his tireless efforts to make this world a safer place for beer-drinkers everywhere. He is a legend of microbrewing mastery, not to mention a helluva nice guy. It wouldn't surprise me if the guy cures cancer someday, but I'm not gonna put any added pressure on him to do that, because even if he hangs it all up tomorrow he's done far more for the human race than should ever be expected of any one man. If you want to show him a sign of your appreciation, try sending him a holiday card or something. But I have a feeling that he would be happier if you just picked up one of his peerless specimens of liquid perfection and enjoy the fastidious craft that he instills into each and every single bottle of the Worlds' Greatest Beer. Here's a list of places where you can find it. If you don't live near these places, consider moving there now!

Here's the line of presumably unemployed alcoholics waiting--on a workday--for upwards of four hours outside the brewery on the annual release date of the controversial Triple IPA, Pliny the Younger.

I can't imagine what kind of a schmuck you'd have to be to waste hours of your life on beer, but I'll be sure to text you when I find out...

The Man himself talks about his very special creation: